tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36676094266452473782023-11-16T02:12:08.722-05:00Peeling The OnionWelcome to Peeling The Onion, a blog by Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson. It invites you to take a personal look at the lives we really live, how we think about ourselves, and what shapes our day and influences our decisions. You’ll learn to look at and deal with difficult situations, challenge past assumptions, and discover how changing your mind can change your world.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-36352387052106555612012-03-27T07:14:00.000-04:002012-03-28T10:01:52.265-04:00Why To Do Lists Don't Always Work<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1">
I think that
everyone who reads my postings even occasionally is aware that I quite
literally live my life by making or having a list for everything. (Well, not
quite everything, but almost.)</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I have received a number of e-mails, from readers and students who have attended my
seminars, telling me that To Do lists don't seem to work for them. Things
fall into the same old routine, even when the list is prominently displayed on
the front of the refrigerator. So, what's up with that?</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
My first and
obvious answer is that before you sit down and write your list, be honest about
your commitment to it and give each task a deadline.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Many times, an
individual will experience a really good feeling of accomplishment when the
carefully drafted To Do list is finished and hanging in its place. It's a
new beginning, and the first step has been taken. This feeling of already having
taking action, for the not-so-eager beaver, can last for as much as a month. After a while, you no longer even see the
list as a "special reminder," and it becomes a part of the way the refrigerator
looks. Things fall back into the old "oh I forgot!" groove.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
This is also
true for notes pinned to a board or stuck to the computer if action is not
taken in a timely fashion. Even the Mona Lisa would stop taking your breath
away if she was hung on the refrigerator door for that same period of time. The
brain adjusts and eventually stops noticing things.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
To make an effective To Do list, each task must be assigned a time frame, which you
must enter into your daily calendar as you would an appointment with your
doctor. It needs to be a priority. And if you list not only <i>what </i>you need to do, but <i>when and where</i> you will actually do it, you are much more likely to cross it off that To Do list once and for all.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-14609817896927955082012-02-14T09:46:00.003-05:002012-02-14T09:46:50.276-05:00Why It Is So Hard To Accept Another Point Of View<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1">
Jenny was raised
in a loving home, and like most children, firmly believed that everything her
parents said was true, and that the way they lived was the <i>right</i> way to live. Great value was given to cleanliness and keeping
things in their place, and Jenny was highly praised for every task she learned to accomplish.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
When Jenny went
to college there was some relaxing of Mom's housekeeping standards because she
shared her room with two other girls. Her personal belongings were kept neat
and orderly, the only way she knew how. It came naturally without forethought -
it was part of her unconscious identity.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Tom also grew up
in a home full of love with a brother and sister close to his own age. His
father taught Zoology at the local college, and enthusiastically introduced his
children to the wonders of “all things great and small.” Growing up, there were
a multitude of pets, representing various species, under foot at all times. Mom
was a 6th grade art teacher who encouraged her children to use one wall in
their room to express themselves artistically. Tom was not all that interested
in art, so he tacked up various posters instead. Housekeeping was of the “one
of these days” variety, and Tom literally never saw the need for it anywhere.
It <i>wasn't </i>part of his identity.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
As you may have
guessed, Tom and Jenny met in college, fell in love, had tons of fun with all
their friends, and moved into their own apartment right after graduation.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The radical
difference in the way they were raised, and what they would therefore value,
had not become very apparent till now. Jenny believed that Tom's indifference
to clothing was due to intellectual preoccupation, and that he really didn't
look that much different from their friends. The mess in his room she had
blamed on the other two occupants.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Jenny took to
their new apartment like a duck to water. She would make it a real home, where
family and friends would feel welcome. (And yes, be a little impressed, too.)
Decorating was so much fun, and when she talked to Tom about the things she
thought they should get, his answer predictably was always, "Whatever you
want, babe."</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
In the beginning,
Tom's general messiness - clothes, socks, dirty dishes everywhere - annoyed her
only a little. She loved him, he was just a little absent-minded, he hadn't
adjusted from dorm life yet, that's all. Her repeated requests for some
changes, though always agreed to, never came to fruition. Then came the talks
with tears, and Tom since loved his Jenny he promised most earnestly to do
better. In fact, he was clueless as to what the big deal was. </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Jenny, on the
other hand, firmly believed that cleanliness and order showed good character.
Once, when her mother arrived just as she was coming home from work, she felt a
twinge in her stomach as she turned the key. Tom had worked from home that
afternoon and was on his way to the gym. Taking in the mess he had made with
one sweep of her eyes, Mom's only words were, "Oh, Jenny!" It hurt so
much to know what her mother must think of her now.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Jenny and Tom's
love eroded further, when he surprised her with two stray kittens and a week
later brought home a ragged little puppy that he had purchased in the
Super-Market parking lot. Tom fed and played with the animals and gave them all
of his free time, but, as expected, cleaning up after them fell to Jenny.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
They broke up
when the talks turned into shouting matches. Jenny thought that Tom was just a
selfish lazy slob, and Tom thought Jenny was a bossy bitch who had to have all
things her way.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
They were both
wrong, of course. With some maturity and reflection, and understanding <i>why </i>they saw things so differently, they
might have come to see that they hadn't taken adversarial positions to annoy
each other, but that each of them were good people with vastly different upbringings.
With an open mind, they might have come to realize the gifts they could have
brought to each other. </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Jenny had
learned to love those kittens and the puppy Tom brought home. They had laughed
together many times over their antics, and she loved to see the tenderness in
Toms face when he played with them. Relaxing on the housekeeping might have
grown easier with a little more time. Jenny might also have had a different
reaction to her mother's criticism, having realized that there was so much more
to her than the mess around her.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Tom may have
come see that friends and family felt more comfortable and relaxed when the
couch and chairs weren't covered with whatever he had left there. He may have
noticed how nice it was, when getting ready for work, to find his clothes right
in front of him, hanging wrinkle free in the closet instead of the usual hunt
for something decent to wear, somewhere in the house. Oh, and no small thing for
the absent-minded, is being able to find one's keys, wallet and phone all in
the same place each and every morning.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
My point in
telling their story is to give a clear picture of how strongly our upbringing
shapes who we are, and our point of view on how things MUST be done.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
As mature
adults, it is very helpful to understand that another's opinion or methods is a
great part of their personal identity, and outright criticism and hostility only
creates more anger. It is very threatening to have one's identity questioned.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
It will help you
tremendously to keep this in mind, not only with partners but with co-workers
as well. Listen to what they have
to offer that is different from your own ideas. If they too have adopted an
open-minded attitude, as you have now, the sky is the limit on future success!
Replacing an old idea with a new and better one opens the mind for growth, and for
becoming so much more than who you were when you left home! So, listen. How else do we learn?</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-59820944829227152282012-02-08T09:14:00.001-05:002012-02-08T09:14:05.276-05:00When Sooner Is Better Than Later<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1">
Frances has been
divorced for several years. Ex-husband Ralph had been somewhat of a bully and Frances still felt
intimidated and nervous when communicating with him regarding an investment
they still owned in common. As had been his habit in the past, Ralph continued
to manage it quite independently of her opinion and wishes.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Eventually, Frances made plans to change her life completely, shedding the painful past and
living a meaningful life according to her own heart and standards. She planned
to buy a house in the little town that once was home and find a way to make a
difference there. She needed the money from the investment with Ralph. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The thought of
having to tell him that she wanted her share literally stopped her in her
tracks. She mentally reviewed all the scenarios on how this may play out, and
in her mind one was worse than the other. She became more and more upset, and
the idea began to fill her with dread. All joy went out of her vision for the
future. Instead of making that phone call and, in a business-like manner, claim
what was hers, she reverted to identifying with the wife of the past to whom
all things were granted according to Ralph's whim.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Reliving all the
hurts and insults of her marriage did much to undo the healing she had achieved
since the divorce, and her mind got stuck in the past. Not in the habit of
aski, she realized that talking to Ralph could not possibly feel worse than
what she had been doing to herself. Almost emotionless, she made her request
and "if that's how you want it, fine” was his only reply.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Think of all the
prolonged anxiety and stress we undergo, when we let our imaginations decide
how someone else <i>may </i>respond to a
request or an unpleasant event that must be shared. Say what you have to say as
soon as you can, before you start second- guessing the answer. Prolonging the
inevitable can make you very unhappy, and it can hurt others as well.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Henry was
grandfather, and best friend, to his only son's growing boys. Retired and loving
all things outdoors, he took the boys camping and fishing and taught them about
the local wildlife and the names of all the things that grew around them. He
would sometimes quiz them about what they had seen that day, and the winner
would get a dollar. Henry also taught them how to make a great kite, and in the
fall flying kites and picnics became regular family affairs.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Henry was a
long-time widower, had worked hard his whole life and had owned his own little
auto repair shop. His greatest sense of achievement came from being able to
send his son to college - the first one in the family to go. Jim in turn repaid
his father well when he made him the proudest man in town - the day he became
the principal in the local high school.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
When Henry
retired and sold his little shop, he told everyone that he would invest that
money and send all four of his son’s boys to college as well. The idea of still
being able to care for his family at this time of his life filled him with
purpose and pride.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Our recent
debacle with the stock market all but broke Henry. Gone was the dream of sending
all four boys to college - he felt defeated and depressed. He declined all
invitations from his son, made vague excuses to the boys when they called and
kept the door locked when they rang the bell. Jim suspected the cause for his
behavior and thought his dad might just need some time. The boys, however, were
another story. The daily absence
of Grandpa confused and upset them very much.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Finally, an old
friend of Henry's (my neighbor, who told me this story) challenged his
behavior. "How can I face them, and tell them there isn't enough money
left for all of them? What will they think of me then?” he asked with tears in his eyes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
“By God, Henry,
you give your family little credit if you think they love you for the money.
What do those boys know and think about college anyway? And if I know anything
about Jim, and I do, <i>he's</i> preparing
for his sons’ education, just like his father did for him. If it's your pride,
Henry, you’re paying a mighty price for it!"</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Henry returned
to the fold, as they say - but again, sooner would have been better.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
So, don't
agonize over imagined outcomes when you have something to say or ask for. The
truth really does set you free.</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-64132166400546428172012-01-31T14:39:00.002-05:002012-01-31T14:39:45.501-05:00Keeping A Check On Finances Makes For Happier Relationships<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="Body1">
It is a fact
that financial difficulties and incompatibility in money matters are one of the
leading causes for divorce, and the breakup of many families. Even for those of us who are single, it's an acute cause of stress.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
At this
particular time of the year, many of us are smarting because it's time to pay
the piper for our holiday spending. In addition, we are receiving the
inevitable notices of increases in fees for everything from electricity to insurances
and homeowners taxes. It's a
great time to grab the bull by the horns and get serious about your budget. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
There is help
available for this on the internet, and the office supply stores sell many
different versions of budgeting books you can buy. If you want to be thrifty like my mom, design your own sheets
and make a year’s worth of copies to keep in a folder.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Total the
amounts you paid out for last year’s bills in every category (including annual
or bi-annual bills, such as the various insurances, taxes, co-payments to
doctors and dentists, estimated car repairs, etc.), divide them by twelve, and
the resulting sum will be the amount you have to save each month in order to
have the funds available when those items come due.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
It is a good
idea to deposit that money in a savings account. As you save each month the sum
will grow and leaving it in the checking account may tempt you to believe that
you have more spendable income then you really do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I think it may
be a good idea to repeat my advice from a previous post on traversing the
slippery slope of frequent credit card use, for those who may have missed that
column.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Many people use
their credit cards for almost all financial transaction because they don't like
to carry a checkbook (my husband) or they like receiving those bonus points
periodically, for a free shopping trip (like me).</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Whatever the
reason, you may also be among those who hold their breath, or even wait a few
days, before opening the bill with the final tally.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
If you have ever
heard yourself exclaim any of the following...</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<i>Holy s--t! There must be some mistake here.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<i>How did this get away from me again?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<i>How can I keep this from Bill (or Elaine)?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
...then you know
that overcharging is easy and causes some serious stress. And if you have had
enough of it, here is an excellent motivational tool to finally put an end to
it:</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
On a simple
notepad, write down the amount of every charge on the same day that you make
it. Keep a running subtotal for the entire month. (Make sure you subtotal each
new charge, that is the main point here!) Now, whenever you go out the door to
go shopping you will know exactly how much you have left to spend on
necessities (groceries and gas), and after the final total you will know what's
left for the little splurges we all like to treat ourselves to.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Do not trust
yourself to keep your totals in your head without writing it down! Memory is a
tricky thing, and easily influenced by a strong desire for some tempting
purchase. It is easy to fool yourself into thinking you have got more money to
spend than you do</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
So, to stop the
stress, write it down, check it and keep it honest!<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-44771979375257229582012-01-26T10:47:00.002-05:002012-01-26T10:47:50.645-05:00Don't Fight It, Adjust To The Season<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: 150%;">Now that the holidays are over, most of us
are experiencing a kind of a slump. All of the partying, feasting and plain
hard work has us feeling deflated both emotionally and physically. Some will
feel disappointed for putting on a few unwanted pounds, and others will rue
outspending their Christmas budget.</span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Feeling blue is a natural result of all
these circumstances. In addition, we are looking at grey skies, and facing cold
temperatures and unpredictable weather condition for at least another couple of
months. We envy those who live in warmer climates, and those who can get away
from it all.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">At work, the boss gives his “inspirational” speech
about grabbing the new year by the horns, bringing more energy and enthusiasm
and more fresh ideas. You are just not feeling it, and you don't feel happy in
general.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Maybe you have become more irritable with
family members and co-workers and just can't shake the funk. Before you start
making drastic changes in your life, or blaming others for your state of mind,
consider this:</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Loss of energizing sunlight has a
substantial negative affect on our sense of well being. Consider that much of the
animal word adjusts to this by hibernating, eating stored food and moving very
little. Our forefathers followed their example fairly closely. They also stored
up food and wood to keep themselves warm, and indoor activities were low key:
reading, writing letters, playing music, mending clothes etc. Candles were expensive
then, so bedtime came early and with plenty of homemade covers.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Compare that to our lives today. It is true
that heating and lighting are plentiful now and we don't have to store a winter
supply of food anymore, but the demands on our physical and cognitive energies
are the same now as they are in June. We also have to get to our jobs everyday,
no matter how difficult that becomes: Shuffling snow, scraping ice, getting
into an ice-cold car, dangerous road conditions and parking even more limited
due to drifts and snow pileups. Some of us have to wait in the streets for
public transportation, unprotected from whatever blows, and then attack our
workload with energy and enthusiasm!</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Of course we feel low and cranky. Our immune
system is being drained and we experience more illnesses than in the rest of
the year.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Lets help ourselves as much as possible to
make life more pleasant till spring. The winter sun is harsh and gives no
comfort, but full spectrum light from lamps is proven to help many who suffer
from seasonal light depravation. Light up the rooms you frequent most. Make the
kind of meals grandma made and brought you comfort. Don't be careless about
wearing proper clothing! Go to bed one hour earlier than you usually do - it
does wonders for you the next day - and take weekend naps when you can.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">To combat boredom, have comfy get-togethers
with friends to watch a good movie. Everyone brings a small warm dish to split
work and expense. Have game nights, play charades – you can even have poetry
night were everybody reads their favorite poem and talks about their reason why
it is so. You can have a karaoke night with themes: all Beatles or country, or
whatever will be fun.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Remember to make your entertainments shorter
to get more rest, and cheaper to catch up from holiday budget busters. Keep
warm. This too shall pass.</span><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-46562213994372732332012-01-17T08:00:00.000-05:002012-01-17T08:00:08.019-05:00Just One More Resolution for 2012: Relax<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Is one of your
New Year’s resolutions to <i>calm down,</i>
because your physician has strongly advised it, or because you hate how burned
out you feel and life isn’t as rewarding as it used to be?</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
To that end,
meditation, exercise and stroking your cat are some of the most popular
recommendations by professionals and gurus alike. And you may have tried some
of these activities in the past (assuming you aren’t allergic to cats).
Meditation might have left you feeling confused and convinced that you must be
doing something wrong. You were not looking for a “path” and it wasn't a good
fit. Running in the morning was making you feel healthier, but your mind was
already at work, preparing the many arguments you were likely to have that day,
so it wasn’t exactly a relaxing experience.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
So here you are.
You need to learn how to calm yourself, but your life is too busy and hectic to
take time out for experimentations that you are not particularly drawn to. Is
that about it? Well, read on - I'm bringing help.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I do believe
that meditation and exercise are wonderful and proven ways to bring about mental
well-being and improve health in general. I also know that the majority of
people who give these a first try,
walk away sooner than later. Meditation takes dedication and expert guidance,
and there is no quick pay off. For the person who cannot stop his or her
stressful thoughts while exercising, another solution is needed. Sadly for many
who believe they have failed at something that obviously has changed the lives
for others, self-judgment will be harsh.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Some individuals
even believe that taking any time out for oneself is <i>selfish</i> somehow, and that something important is sure to suffer for
it. </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
So, how do all
of us, with so little time, desperate to get away from a mind in overdrive, and
body muscles tight enough for “flight or fight” at any minute, get to a place
were we can both rest and recharge?</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Everyone near my
age (thirty something) grew up plugged into earphones stuck in a Walkman. It
was the greatest thing - no complaints about volume, and no arguments about
what constituted “good music.” The world that “didn't get it” was simply tuned
out.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Of course we have
updated the equipment with iPods and MP3 players, but you can still use them to
tune out and relax anywhere and anytime you can take a break.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
This method
works so well, because <i>you</i> decide
what will truly take you away for a while. You choose the type of music you
love, or you can listen to someone read to you from your favorite book. You
could listen to the sounds of nature, the chants of monks or even a guided
relaxation meditation.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I recommend a
cold washcloth over the eyes (or a wet hankie if you are at work) and elevated
feet, if possible. Your mind becomes passive during this “tune out” because it
is listening. And the body, no longer getting
stressful signals from the brain, relaxes as well - and that feels so very good.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Finding more
peace and relaxation is like trying to lose 50 lbs. Small but steady increments,
and keeping the ground you’ve gained, will keep you on the <i>You</i> path. </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Try it, it
works!!</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-41148601396290915582012-01-10T10:51:00.000-05:002012-01-10T10:51:00.162-05:00For The Year 2012<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Although you may not live it consciously, you are the “captain of
the ship” you call your life. Not the </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">sea</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
- just the vessel. We do not control which challenges will try us, but we do
control how we tackle them. To do this effectively requires having the right
tools at the right time.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Insight to your "suchness," and acceptance of who you are
right now will give you those tools and smooth the way forward. Otherwise, you
live your life like a ping pong ball being bounced around by circumstances - fearful and apparently helpless. Life
lives <i>you</i> instead of the other way
around.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">The enemy of introspection is the belief in perfection (with
everyone having their own idea of what that may be.) Looking inside with a more
accepting and realistic eye, we find what is not yet "perfect,” but
instead of treating it as something embarrassing, we welcome it as a way to
make our lives happier and better.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Being perfect, or even becoming perfect, is a silly game our egos
play with us. It is impossible to win, so let's refuse to play! What's wrong
with walking the path of learning anyway? Living in denial of our perceived
weakness and stumbling blocks causes an emotional disconnect with others, a
deep loneliness, and an ever-present fear of being found out.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Small things we discover can have such great results, when we stop
playing the perfection game. For example,</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">when
my mom retired and moved far away from her lifelong social circle to leave near
me and her grandchildren, she bought a neglected 100+ year old house and a
large wilderness of a backyard. Her plan was to make everything
"perfect," a jewel to be admired. All of her energy (she has a considerable
amount) and time were spent on a never-ending job. That, plus a few hours
dedicated to quilting to break things up, pretty much summed up most of her
life. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Mom was becoming a homebody, and made no attempts to meet new people
and make friends. Having no need to feel pretty, she wore her paint-splattered
clothes almost daily. And her
hair, once the object of fussy attention, now did what ever it wanted to. Spur
of the moment invitations for a family outing or an unplanned party when
friends dropped by were always answered with, "No thanks, I'd have to do
my hair - I'm just not up to all
that fuss.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">My mom was becoming a “schlep” (her word, not mine). In addition,
she was becoming lonely, although she fervently denied that for the first
couple of years. She blamed her lack of enthusiasm for anything new on just
being tired from all the work. She insisted she was happy in her new life, just
as it was. Of course, I knew better and (as any good daughter would) shared my
thoughts with her, frequently.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">A few weeks ago, while we were having coffee and talking about all
the things that usually happen to New Year’s resolutions, she shared hers with
me and I could not have been happier. “You know,” she said, “I have been
thinking about why I feel so glum all the time. I have become lazy about my
appearance. I have a need to feel pretty when I go out. Call it shallow, but
that's who I am. I am lonely and it's my fault. I am well on my way to being an
old coot if nothing changes. As you may have noticed I set my hair this
morning, I am wearing lipstick and there is no paint on my pants! As of today,
and for the new year, I will set my hair first thing every morning, I will come
when you invite me and I also want to go to the weekly lectures at the library.
It's a new start."</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Such a small thing, and such a big turnaround. (If you, too, are
someone who declines invitations because you are in a rut - like not having
something ready to wear when the phone rings - have an outfit ready to wear
only for such an occasion. Eventually, people will stop asking assuming it will
be a “no.” Be ready when opportunity knocks. As a rule, we are social animals,
and we need those connections to live a balanced life.)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">The thing is, only you know - with introspection and without laying
blame on others - what it is that keeps you from living life the way you want
to. And just maybe that life is different
than the one you sort of drifted into.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">So, for 2012, let's get to know ourselves a little better still,
with the intent of becoming freer and happier. Forget about being perfect, see
yourself with honesty and kindness, identify the obstacle and make a plan.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Happy New Year!</span><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-48295631159688322502011-12-20T17:03:00.003-05:002011-12-20T17:05:09.108-05:00When Gratitude Does Not Bring Happiness<br />
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">"Finish
your dinner and be grateful you have something to eat when other children in
the world are starving!" Well, we didn't feel grateful. Just guilty. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">"No,
you can't have a pair of new sneakers. Your old ones are still fine. Be
grateful that you have so much when more unfortunate children have so
little." No feelings of gratitude resulted from this either - just more
guilt and disappointment.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I
remember as a little girl, learning that Jesus died a grueling death for our
sins and that we were forever grateful to him for that. I felt ashamed and
fearful and not grateful at all.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">As we
grow up, our associations with gratitude and counting-our-blessings often
creates very mixed emotions in us. We secretly suspect that there is a great <i>lack </i>of gratitude within us, and a
shadow of moral judgment accompanies that suspicion.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">There
have been many publications and self-help books on the theme of “finding a way
to happiness” by counting your blessings at the end of every day and writing
down the things you are grateful for. So, if you have had a rotten day,
thinking about all the things that are good in your life will make you feel
grateful - which equals happiness - and you'll sleep with the innocence of a
baby. The idea is that eventually, with continued practice, you’ll focus only
on your blessings and will thus able to ignore all the negative and hurtful
things that do occur in the average person's daily life.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">The
problem with these happiness-through-gratitude exercises is that they can feel
trite, and even naïve. There are
days when we can't make ourselves feel grateful for a damn thing. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I would like to offer a more genuine, and
realistic, picture of “living a
grateful life.” Let's change the
word “grateful” to </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: 0px;">savor</i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: 0px;">. Savoring
comes naturally, without guilt or judgment at any level. Being aware and paying
attention to the things you enjoy is savoring your life as it happens.</span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I remember
how every Christmas morning, after all the presents were opened, Mom and I
would open the box of chocolates that came every year from my grandmother in
Germany. These were always special to us. Mom and I would each choose three
pieces, sit one on each end of the couch with our feet stretched out, and very
slowly and deliberately savor each tiny little bite with the occasional
"yum yum" in testament to the goodness. There was real gratitude to
Oma in this, which we experienced through savoring. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I have written
before about how much my mother dislikes cooking, and the clever ways she has
found to eat well without going to restaurants. I usually invite her to dinner at least twice a week, and she
is - above all others - my
favorite person to cook for. Her face reflects the pleasure she finds in every
bite, and she likes to note all the different spices she detects on her tongue.
Then she reminds us of a time in history, when only kings and rich merchants
were lucky enough to experience these flavors. We all become more aware of what
we are tasting and enjoy it more. As Mom savors the meal she didn't have to
cook, she is quite obviously grateful. (She says so too.)</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Another
thing Mom and I share and savor, and I hope to pass this on to my children, is
our love for Christmas decorations on the outside of other people’s homes. When
I was little, my parents were relatively poor, and glad to have enough for
Christmas on the inside. So, to increase our Christmas spirit even more, we
would take nightly rides beyond the neighborhood to marvel at the beauty of the
lights. We were amazed at the effort people made to bring joy to all who drove
by. We picked our favorites, continuously
changing our minds as we came upon bigger and even more complicated displays.
We would shout, "Thank You!" to anyone still working outside, as we
became infected by the magic of that special time. We felt grateful to the many
people who worked so hard and brought us so much joy. We still do.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">When
you can savor the good company of a friend, conversations around favorite
memories, or the flavor of a really good cookie, you are living in gratitude
naturally. That's what it's all
about, and that's all there is to it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Past
studies have shown that grateful people are in general happier. This is the
kind of gratitude they are talking about - enjoying to the fullest the things you love and being
completely present to it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Happy Holidays!</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-44862196515960614382011-12-13T10:08:00.004-05:002011-12-13T10:08:57.704-05:00What's Happening Now?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Helena was a first generation American with
an uncompromising attitude towards </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">time</i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">.
Her father ruled her home with a loud voice and a clock in his left hand. Being
late for anything was unforgivable and severally punished. Helena learned from
her mother, who had given up her voice years before her daughter was born, how
to do things quickly and well - always keeping one eye on the clock. To have a
semi-peaceful family outing, mother and daughter knew it was best to be already
standing next to the car, when father was still putting on his coat.</span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Later in life, always being the first one at
work and getting more of it done than anyone else, Helena was rewarded for her
ingrained habits by receiving generous raises and frequent promotions. Her workload was also
raised right along with her salary. Well, after all, she had shown she could do
it.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">By the time Helena had a family of her own,
she was in a real race to do things well for her family <i>and</i> her boss. Quite predictably, she started to experience very
frightening anxiety attacks which increased over time, both in frequency and
severity. Although she came to realize that her perception of time and terror of
“lateness” was seriously hurting her, she lacked the insight or courage to seek
professional help. She decided that she would deal with her anxiety by budgeting
an extra hour into her travel time for appointments or invitations, in case the
traffic was bad or there was an accident on the road. (The extra time was
usually spent waiting in the parking lot until it was time to go inside.)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">To keep from worrying about her family going naked if she got sick,
she maintained a habit of having at least seven days worth of perfectly
laundered outfits for everyone, ready to wear. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">The tragedy of her life, and others like her,
is that she was never present to the life she was living <i>at the moment</i>. Her thoughts were occupied with possible scenarios <i>in the future</i>, to remove potential
obstacles for being late with, or to, anything tomorrow.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Sadly, many of us live life in an imaginary,
sometimes fearful, sometimes hopeful future scenario. Although Helena's case is
extreme and she probably would have benefitted from an early intervention, I’m
sure many of you can relate to how she felt.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">When our thoughts are trapped by worries and
frantic plans for tomorrow (Buddhists call this “chasing the monkey,” because
it is pointless), we give up the awareness of experiencing our life as it <i>really</i> is, at this moment, in real time.
Think of all the arguments you have fought in your mind to be prepared for some
future argument that never occurred. All the potential threats to your welfare you lost sleep over
for many nights, that didn't happen. Instead, you lost the experience of a warm
bed, perhaps a loving partner, good sleep and the wonderful feeling of
gratitude for having all that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">When you are not really tasting your food,
or enjoying the sweaty smell of your little boy’s hair because he's been
battling the bad guys with his deadly plastic sword, you are away in the future
and missing out on the treasures that are here and only right now.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Hurrying through life is missing it
altogether. Hurrying is both <i>caused</i>
by anxiety, and <i>creates </i>more of it. We
make more mistakes and have accidents. Caught in this current, we forget the
smell of roses, the goodness of a cozy room on a cold day, and the taste of
melting butter on fresh toast.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">So, save yourself from the race that never
ends and has no winner. Make a devoted effort to slow down! Before getting out
of bed in the morning, promise your self, “I will not hurry today.” Leave
yourself small sticky notes around the house, in your car and in your desk
drawer, to remind yourself to become aware of <i>this</i> moment. Look around and observe, <i>really observe</i>, then go back to what you were doing without a sense
of hurry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Remember that you have begun to rid yourself
of an old harmful routine. Each time you remind yourself to be present to your
life as it is in the moment, you're ironing out the hard-edged crease of a bad
habit. Be very patient with yourself, but stay faithful to your efforts.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;">Make this the holiday gift you give
yourself.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-52770058205424146352011-12-06T15:17:00.001-05:002011-12-06T15:17:55.573-05:00Make Family Gatherings Better<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1">
The difficulties
that arise at some family get-togethers are often the result of tense
relationships between siblings and cousins. This tension - or even outright
dislike - can stem from childhood memories of misbehavior and rivalry, memories
that set the tone for how everyone gets along as adults. In some cases,
differences of opinions, and goals that differ widely from the “family norm”
maybe judged as weird<i>,</i> or even
disloyal. Not <i>all</i> families grow
closer with time.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The fact is that,
first and foremost, we are each very much individuals with unique
characteristics, who happen to also belong to a family. Our society admires us
when we are strong and self-reliant, and our education is geared toward this
goal. Ideally, the family supports each member to grow his or her own wings.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
This is, of
course, not true for everyone. In addition, who we <i>actually</i> have become as adults is more likely to be accurately discerned
by friends or one's partner.
“Family” has always known who you are, and they are quite convinced that
they are right, because <i>they</i> have
known you from childhood. Growing differences in personality can become a point
of irritation rather than curiosity.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
It is not
unusual that for some, sharing accomplishments and financial successes is less
about making Mom and Dad proud, and more intended as a poke in the eye for the
rest of the clan. Take that!</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Knowing the
dynamics and undercurrents that maybe present at your family celebrations, and
understanding that we really <i>don't </i> know all about each other, is the only way
to achieve a permanent turnaround.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Treat your
family members like a new friend, in whose life you are very interested. You can make a good start by asking
questions like, "So what does your day usually look like when you get to
the office?" Ask about their favorite Christmas present. What was their
most embarrassing moment? What do they like to read just for fun that isn't
either educational or for work? To what part of the world would they like go
for a month, if everything was free? What other type of work would they like to try, if it was possible?</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Give the long
answer to a question directed at you. A short throwaway answer will make no one
come back for more. Don't be afraid to give a thoughtful compliment.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Make a start for
change if your family gathers because they think they <i>should,</i> but not because they want to. They will catch on to the
direction you want to take it, things will be more interesting and harmonious,
and I bet you will actually have some fun. We are very complex beings, and
sharing the little things brings us closer. It’s never to late to start
actually <i>enjoying </i>your family!</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-90904145167127962222011-11-29T10:37:00.000-05:002011-11-29T13:35:22.873-05:00Have You Found Your Bliss?<br />
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
My husband and I
try to introduce our children to as many activities as we
can locally find. So far our daughter has enrolled in Karate,
soccer, cooking lessons and a short theater course. We take them along to
play golf, swim at the YMCA pool, and do arts and crafts at the farmer's market. </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
It is not our
intention to discover a hidden talent that will make them stand out from
others. We want to let them discover an activity <i>for themselves</i> that they will
enjoy doing, perhaps throughout their lives.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Past studies
have shown that active people - people who keep themselves busy - are happier than those that are not, and find more enjoyment in everyday living in general.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
But <i>how </i>should you keep yourself busy? What should you do with yourself? The problem for
some of us grown up folks lies in our belief that "idle hands are the Devil's
workshop." It is right to a point, but it's usually taken to mean that we should be busy with<i> work - </i>with something <i>useful</i>. Perhaps a better proverb for
today's <i>way</i> too hectic life would be "All work and no play makes Jack a dull
boy!"</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Not having something fun to escape to when one is stressed, mentally overworked, bored,or as
a way to reward oneself, has a depressing affect on people. It makes
them listless and clouds their general outlook on life. ( And they are no fun
to be around.)</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Having something
you love to do also gives you a great tool you can use when you are tempted to break your diet with that cookie, or
smoke a cigarette when you are trying to quit. Instead of giving in, walk away and do the thing you love! It's a terrific distraction.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
There are many
adults who, for as many reasons, have never discovered what they might do for
the sheer joy of doing it. Sadly, many are of the opinion that any undertaking
without a productive result is simply a waste of time. Some of this is due to
parental or cultural influence, some to personal ambition ("I simply have more important things to
do.")</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Doing my own
little survey for this post among family and friends, I have
discovered a wide variety of activities people engage in for the sole purpose
of having fun. Retirees often have great success in finding a fulfilling hobby. They
have plenty of time to check things out, and there is no longer a struggle with guilt
about doing something more productive.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I was, however, pleasantly surprised to find that many of the people working 40+ hour weeks still had
found their own little pleasures "just to get away from it all." They hook
rugs, play games on the computer, knit, paint pictures by the numbers, do
intricate picture puzzles; two had taken an evening class to learn how to play
the guitar and someone else had taken a class to make mosaic art. </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Cross word
puzzles had several enthusiasts and one working mom was a whittler
with great passion. Her Grandpa had been a whittler and in her youth she would
sit with him in the old barn where he would tell her stories of the magical
creatures he had met in the woods while looking for just the right fallen
branches. Sometimes they would leave him just what he needed on the old tree
stump, where they knew he always rested for a spell.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I was so charmed
by this story that I seriously thought of taking up whittling, just for a
minute or two.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
All this of
course is to inspire you so that if you don't already have "it", you will go and get "it." It's never too late and it needn't cost much. There are many How To...
websites on the internet, reasonable prices for evening classes in the local high school, and the library is an absolute treasure for books on crafts.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
When you give
some thought to what you might like to pursue, something may come to mind that
you were always a little curious about. Maybe you even have an
acquaintance whose hobby you had
found interesting. If it requires a specific skill, perhaps they'll show you
how it's done. </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Do it! Have fun! Having fun is very important to a well balanced
life - happiness and wellness go hand in hand. The only rule is that there be no judgment of "value" on the type of activity
you choose, and that the joy be purely in the doing of it! Let your whimsy be
your guide.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-16468829420461373602011-11-22T16:00:00.001-05:002011-11-22T16:10:39.488-05:00Not Everyone Is Looking Forward To The Holidays<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body1">
Christmas Day,
11:30 p.m. The house is empty again and all the guests have gone home. The
children are asleep on the floor. You kick off your shoes and fall back on the
couch. The house is a mess, and you feel empty and depressed. You are ashamed of
your feelings. You accuse yourself of being ungrateful. Everything was as
perfect as you could possible make it, but here you are with a big aching hole
inside. Just like last year, and the year before that. What did you hope would
happen that didn't?</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The holidays are
a very painful and miserable time for many, many people. Studies show that most of us are reluctant to share our negative feelings, particularly at this time of
the year - afraid of being judged as not religious or spiritual enough, or being
seen as a humbug. These studies also show that people feel more isolated in
their sadness when they believe that they are the <i>only one</i> having this
experience. The reason misery really does love company is because it
lightens with sharing.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Many of us are simply "burned out" by all the decision-making and additional work, and
our levels of serotonin are literally depleted. Others are homesick for the "good old
days" when they were children and believed in miracles. Christmas was magic
then, even when parents were poor. The child in us still expects the feeling of
magic, even if we are not consciously aware of it. When nothing happens to let us relive
those feeling of childhood, we feel betrayed and depressed, convinced that
there is nothing really left to look forward to.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
To those of you
who suffer through the holidays every year, don't suffer needlessly. Make a plan to change the things
you do and how you usually celebrate. If thoughts of past and better
holidays make you unhappy, avoid thinking about them by keeping your
mind busy with other activities.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
If you can
afford a trip, go to a place where the holidays are less obvious. If you are staying home, you
can plan your day around some great movies you can rent, or go to the library
and get a couple of books you will love to read. Don 't forget your favorite
foods and snacks! If you have a
hobby, start a new project and go shopping for what you'll need. (Everyone enjoys a good picture puzzle.) If you live alone and being around people
is what you need, volunteer at a soup kitchen or at a hospital. Perhaps you
could read to someone who never gets visitors.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
As adults, only
<i>we</i> can help ourselves, because only we know how and why it hurts. Do make a plan that changes your experience - don't dwell on the past. Prepare well ahead of time. And share your feelings with others - it may well lighten things for all of you. </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Think of
everything you enjoy throughout the year, and fill your holidays with it. If the old traditions don't bring you joy, it's about time for some new ones.</div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></span><!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-25136678655602583842011-11-15T15:24:00.000-05:002011-11-15T15:24:00.079-05:00Live A Life That Fits Your Nature<br />
<div class="Body1">
An old friend of my parents’ is a
physician by profession. He is a first-generation American and was the first
one in his family to go to college - a super, super smart guy. What else could
his family wish for him but to become a medical doctor in America? He had
listened to their dreams all his life, and was convinced that it was <i>his</i> dream as well. Everybody’s dream came true. He
shared a very successful practice with a partner, was kind to his patients and
even made house calls.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
It would have come as a great shock to
everyone except his few close friends, had they discovered, how deeply unhappy
Dr. D. (let's call him that) was as he went through his daily work routine. He
was really only happy in his little greenhouse in the backyard, were he raised
orchids, and very few knew that his <i>real </i>dream
was to own a fruit orchard some day.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Dr. D. was by nature very shy, and I
suspect that he suffered from a mild form of social anxiety. Seeing as many as
30+ patients a day was a genuine struggle for him that never eased. Not to
disappoint his parents and appear ungrateful for the sacrifices they had made
for him, he resolved to stick with it until their passing. His parents are
still well and in their 90's, and Dr. D., although retired to some extent,
still goes to the office - living
out a self-inflicted sentence instead of a happy life.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The dentist in my home town (I grew up
at the shore) had the right idea – he sold his practice and bought a marina
instead, which was more suited to his temperament and natural inclination. You
may also remember an article I wrote a few months ago, in which I mentioned my
husband’s personal struggle with a career change from a teaching professor of
philosophy to a career in the medical industry. Again, the previous job had
become an uncomfortable fit.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
There are actually many people
pursuing careers and goals that they are ill suited for, and they too will
remain stressed and unhappy until they make a change. But many feel trapped by
the need to keep up a certain lifestyle, family expectations, and accumulated
financial responsibilities.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The only way out of this unhappy state
is to make a change in line with your true nature, or what the Buddhists call
one's "suchness.” Your "suchness" or true temperament will never
allow you to feel comfortable, happy, or content, when you are engaged in
activities that are alien to who you really are. Maybe you don’t really <i>like</i> carrying a cell phone that keeps you 'on call' 24/7,
deadlines make you feel stressed, wearing a suit and tie everyday, following
orders that are clearly misguided, and having to say, "Yes Mr.
Johnson" when you really want to scream, "Are you
nuts??!!!". And that’s okay.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The point is, when you live and strive
for a goal, an inner ease and balance must be your partner. Hard work and
challenges don't rock that boat when you know who you are, and that what you
want will be a good “fit” for you.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-27105030889512007452011-11-08T07:00:00.000-05:002011-11-08T07:00:14.065-05:00Are You Working On Your Self Image?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="Body1">
Thanks to
reality television, we are well-informed on how to pursue an external image
that the world will admire. We must own a house that requires a sizable staff
for upkeep, numerous garages for our car collection, and several rooms to fit
our designer wardrobe, shoes and etceteras. Of course we must also be
stunningly beautiful, so we have facials, plastic surgeries, personal trainers,
hairdressers and make-up artists. (Ideally, he latter come to our homes so that
we don't have to mingle with the nobodies.)</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Let me make it
quite clear that I am not anti- <i>anything</i>
that makes for a happier life. The problem with <i>external </i>improvements as a means for happiness is that after the
initial thrill of a new acquisition, the human brain adapts to its presence
fairly quickly, and it becomes just apart of the norm. (To paraphrase a wise
individual, “personal ownership of the Mona Lisa would eventually make her just
part of the wall.”) The brain cannot maintain a constant state of “awe.” </div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
So, the
individual whose self-image is attached to impressing others is committing
themselves to “ever more and bigger.” Unless there is some revelation that
happiness may lie elsewhere, the race will continue unless the money runs out.
Keeping up with the Joneses plays
out differently in Beverly Hills than in rural Iowa, or when you’re working your
way up the ladder at Goldman Sachs versus a small law office in central
Pennsylvania. The scale and resources are different, but the driver is the same.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Without the
necessary resources to follow the rich and famous, we have devised another
scheme to deny the "nobody little self" that we have decided we are.
If we can't be important, at least we will be popular and liked. Depending on the
audience, we like what they like, and dislike what they dislike. </div>
<div class="Body1">
After testing
the water, we are politically liberal <i>or</i>
conservative. When asked our opinion, we ignore our inner voice and the answer
becomes the suspected “right” one. No matter how many times we do the dance to
try to please others, it never really stops feeling icky.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Lying without
cause – pretending you think or feel something you don’t for someone else’s
benefit - demeans us, and it has a devastating effect on our sense of self
worth. When you first confront yourself about this, you may feel shame and be
uncomfortable, but it is literally another necessary peel off the onion toward genuine
self acceptance!</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
(Not telling the
truth to protect someone, or telling a 'white' lie that comes from kindness to
prevent a hurt, are not generally the kind of lies that do us harm.)</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The lie that
demeans us, the one that is meant to hide <i>our</i>
truth, is literally an attack</div>
<div class="Body1">
on the self,
again and again. Who needs enemies when we do such a fine job?</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
And after all,
what could possibly be wrong with us? Why do we feel we have to hide what we
have come to believe, and what we really enjoy doing? So many of the choices we
make in life come down to apples and oranges. A good decision can only come
from the <i>real </i>self – the kind that
makes you truly happy and keeps you going in the right direction for <i>you</i>.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Self-respect is
never measured with someone else's yardstick. </div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-25630023394583320372011-11-01T11:51:00.000-04:002011-11-01T11:51:48.157-04:00Why Respect Still Matters<br />
<div class="Body1">
I was recently
at a three-day convention were research psychologists presented their latest studies
and findings. One topic caught my particular attention, and I guess it has
always been close to my heart. This research looked at how people are affected
by being ignored, left out, or disrespected. These experiences impact us at the
level of our self esteem, in addition to creating anxiety and depression, from
light to severe. Even small
slights can do a great deal of damage.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
We would all
benefit from becoming better aware of the occasions that make people feel left
out and ignored. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
For instance, it
is easy to feel uncomfortable and excluded when one is invited to a special
event and the host or hostess makes no effort to include everyone in the party.
That is – or at least should be - their most important job.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Large weddings
can become very awkward, and anything <i>but</i>
a celebration, for guests who are not part of the family or the close circle of
friends. Often the tables are too large and the band plays to loud to make
audible conversation. Rarely does anyone introduce stranger to stranger
sufficiently to give them some common ground to ease into a chat.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
It is
disrespectful to the “outer tier” guests to invite them (at a very high price
these days) to simply come and watch the show. Forget the food. It is the
perfect setting for feeling excluded, uncomfortable and unimportant. Wedding
planers and parents of the bride and groom, pay attention. Make it someone's
job to include everyone receiving an invitation to feel a part of it all.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Another
disrespectful behavior (one I am sure we have all fallen victim to) is when the
person talking to you at some event seems to be looking in every direction <i>but</i> yours. This gives off the very clear impression that he is looking
for someone more important than you.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Well, the list
could go on and on, and I am sure that some of you could write a book.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The important
point I want to make is that respect still counts as much as ever, even though
it's not that frequently on display. But, as ample research shows, people are
just as sensitive to being excluded or slighted as ever, and if you behave
disrespectfully to others you will <i>not</i>
be liked. Your relationships will suffer, and it will be more difficult to get
ahead in the world and get people on your side. <i>Everyone </i>responds to courtesy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I think a big
mistake is often made by working parents and the well-to-do. They,
understandably, aim to give their children everything they desire, and don't
want to spoil the precious little time they have together with discipline and
lectures. The result of this kind of parenting, however, can be an overly-privileged
and entitled sense of self-importance, and a lack of respect for others. Teachers and
other adults may instinctively dislike these children, and odds are good that their
peers will feel the same way.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
This is not what
I want for my children. I love them, but I also want other people to like them,
too. These are some of our family rules:</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Say hello to everyone
you encounter</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Always use “please,” “thank
you,” and “may I?” (very, very important)</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
When speaking to
adults or friends, look at them while they are talking to you and don't interrupt.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
When calling a friend, first identify yourself to the parent, then ask to speak to the friend.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Be nice to <i>everyone</i> in your class or group, even if
others are not.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Never eat candy or
cookies in front of anyone, unless you have enough to share.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Don't say mean things
to anyone, or about anyone.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Don't interrupt adult
conversation, unless it is very important.</div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
</div>
<div class="Body1">
And of course, for
all of us in general, the "Golden Rule" still is the best recipe for
a wonderful life!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-82911892021427636472011-10-25T07:00:00.001-04:002011-10-25T07:00:15.738-04:00Eventually, I Would Like To...<div class="Body1">An old friend from college finally came to visit me, and after some 15+ years of not seeing each other, there were lots of hugs, compliments and laughter. Shannon (not her real name) had brought her four year-old little boy, who made the perfect playmate for my two children, freeing us for some good catching up.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Shannon and her husband Erik (not his real name) live and work in northern New Jersey, where they bought an old Tudor-style mansion some three years ago. Owning a big old house had been Shannon's dream since she was very young. The only fly in the ointment: it was very much a fixer-upper. When they first saw the house, Erik had been less than enthused. Shannon was relentless in convincing him that this was a great opportunity for their little family (Shannon is in real estate), not to mention the investment potential when it was fixed up. Erik is an accountant, so that argument appealed to him and the deal was done.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">I wanted to hear all about this because we live in an old Victorian home, which is in a perpetual state of “being fixed up.” As she talked about her house, Shannon became visibly tense. "You know,” she said, "this whole thing was pretty much all my idea. When I saw the house and I knew we could afford it, I was simply on fire. All the work ahead was going to be an <i>adventure</i>. I could clearly see the lawn parties I would give, and my children would grow up in a house like those in the old English romances." <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">She paused for a while, looking at her hands. "Heidi (my real name), it's become a nightmare." She looked very unhappy. "Erik is an <i>accountant</i> for God's sake. He just doesn't have the skills to move us along, and he is less and less willing to do anything at all. We have terrible fights on the weekends when he wants to catch a ballgame. I don't play enough with Billy, because I'm always painting or scraping something. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, because all I can see is <i>work</i>. I have never been so depressed." Looking around my newly-decorated living room (rarely used for living in) she asked, "How did you do all this without losing your mind? Or did you have the money to have it done?"</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">"No, no," I said. "We did it ourselves. But come with me,” and I broke my forever-rule of <i>no one but family allowed upstairs</i> and showed Shannon all of the second and third floors. Only my children's bedroom and neighboring bathroom are finished and decorated. The other rooms - there are four more including the master bedroom - hold a jumble of furniture. Some of it from my old New York apartment, and also quite a few parental hand-me-downs. There isn't a hint of a decorating scheme to be discovered anywhere.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">I could see that Shannon was shocked - her gaze had locked onto the peculiar shade of green with which the previous owners had painted all the walls in the hall. Some was peeling off on the broom closet door. "Eventually, I would like to paint those a creamy eggshell color,” I said, leading the way back down.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Not only did I want Shannon to see that a large part of my house was also still “not done,” and that I hadn't become undone with it, but I also wanted her to hear the philosophy expressed in my last statement. It’s the reason <i>why </i>I am happy now. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">I will <i>eventually </i>have a beautifully decorated bedroom. But making the time for that now would rob me of all the fun I have with my family. My husband likes to plan adventures for us on weekends and I would rather be able to be a part of that than live in a show-worthy home. But I will get to it, eventually.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">When working on a personal goal causes you frustration or becomes an obsession that pushed everything else aside, not only will <i>you </i>suffer, but everyone around you will, too. You will start hating the tasks it takes to get done, and chances are the results will reflect your state of mind as well. When you <i>feel </i>well, you <i>do</i> well.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Above all others by far, my first goal in life is happiness and contentment - the kind that comes from inside, and being with the people I love. I selfishly want to feel good while doing work of any kind. If time or financial pressures interfere with doing something, it goes on the "Eventually, I would like to..." list. (Emergencies, such as a leaking ceiling, toilets that don't flush, or a swarm of wasps in the attic, go on the FIX IT NOW! list.)</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><i>Eventually, I would like to...</i> is a wonderful tool for those of you who are too keenly aware of “things that need doing” - like peeling paint, fading shutters, or a couple of cracked tiles - and are made very unhappy by it day after day. Time or money may not allow for a quick fix. <i>Eventually, I would like to</i> <i>paint the shutters</i> takes the pressure off for now. You are <i>not</i> saying "To hell with it!" and putting yourself in danger of becoming one of <i>those</i> people. You know it will get done.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Oh, and if it's about what the neighbors will think, come on - you know better than that by now!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-68830744684811843482011-10-18T07:00:00.001-04:002011-10-18T07:00:03.969-04:00Worried About People Behaving Badly During The Holidays?<div class="Body1">Take a trip down memory lane to the last few years of your family gatherings on Thanksgiving and the Winter Holidays. Were they as warm and happy as you had wished for?</div><div class="Body1"><o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Perhaps you have taken over the role for your mom, at whose house they had always taken place before, and <i>your</i> home is now the place where everyone meets. You are very serious about keeping the old traditions, and passing them on to your children as well.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">So, basically, you knock yourself out, doing all the shopping while your spouse helps with the unpacking. You clean the house from top to bottom and decorate to make it perfect. You spend hours in the kitchen preparing the food, ignoring the mutterings of your family, as you dole out some of the tasks.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Finally, it's Thanksgiving Day. You’re a little tired, but also excited. The table looks great and everything is cooking on schedule. Your guests start to arrive and you hope that there will be no arguments this time, and that Bob will wait until dinner before making his martinis. "Keep your eye on Bob,” you whisper to your husband. "And do what?" he whispers back. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Helen and her husband arrive with their four unruly children who run past you to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator for soda. They are “dying of thirst” from the fifteen minute ride over to your house. Things are crashing to the floor in the kitchen, but Helen has made her way to the sofa and sits down with a sigh. She is now a guest and passes the responsibility for her kids to others. Grandma is wiping up the floor.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Others arrive in a steady stream now and the conversation becomes lively. Beer cans are popping and the guys are talking football while the ladies are paying compliments due to each other on outfits, new haircuts, etc. Back in the kitchen, your husband is opening the wine bottles, while Helen can be heard from the living room, "Has everybody forgotten my drink?” Her husband stopped hearing her requests years ago.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">While bringing in the wine for the ladies, you see Bob at the bar mixing martinis. Your stomach tightens a little. Bob becomes The Victim Of The Government when he drinks, and does not suffer in silence. Jane came late, and now approaches you with a tray of homemade sweet potato chips which you gratefully accept with thanks as she follows you into the kitchen. "Do not make me sit anywhere near <i>that </i>woman!" "What woman?” you ask, feeling your stomach getting more tight. "Helen,” she says rather loudly, and you know better than to ask why.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">There will be trouble at the dinner table, you already know it. And with a captive audience. Your husband puts the best looking turkey ever on the table and you follow with the rest of the dishes. "Time to eat!" he calls out beaming with pride as the "oh, what a feast" and "it smells so great" are expressed by everybody now taking their seats. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Jane gives Bob's wife a conspiratorial poke as they both glance at Helen and giggle. You look at Grandma, and yes, she saw it too and looks tense. If only you could relax and enjoy all your hard work. Grandpa says the prayer and asks for the blessings.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1">Everything is peaceful while the platters are passed around and plates are being filled. You and Grandma fill the children's plates, who are set up on a small table in the family room. Helen stays seated and asks for a refill of wine. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Finally everyone is eating and your husband is refilling glasses where needed. Bob is taking care of himself. The general conversation starts pleasantly enough and you want to keep it that way. "Mom, do you remember the year our oven broke down before the turkey was done?" - hoping that she would tell that now funny story with it's unusual ending. She did and everyone listened - some nostalgically, because they had been a part of it. "Wow, I remember that,” says one of your siblings. "I remember a thing or two, myself” says Jane loud enough so all can hear. Her face now flushed with anger, she begins her attack on Helen for grievances endured for too many years.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">You get up to check on the children's table and Grandma is right behind you. "I think Thanksgiving is over,” she says, "but let's get the children their desert." You close the door to the dining room, but it's impossible to shut out the angry voices. As you're serving the children you can clearly hear, and so can they. "You stay out of this!" "I will say <i>what </i>I want and <i>when</i> I want. You gonna stop me?" "I wouldn't even have come if it wasn't for Grandpa and Grandma, it means so much to them!" Helen shrieks at somebody.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Upstairs Grandpa is putting on his coat and comes down the stairs with his wife's coat and purse in hand."Mother, we have to go home, I forgot to bring my medication." They both look at her purse and know exactly were his medication is. She smiles as she puts on her coat and hugs everybody near her. "Oh, Mom," you say as you squeeze her tight, unable now to stop your tears.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">You now know why Mom stopped having the holidays at her house. When they were young, her children had better manners. The aunts and uncles that came in those days brought with them gratitude and good will as well as wonderful stories of their “good old days.” The whole experience was entirely different. But it is what you wanted to bring to your family, especially your children.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">When everyone is finally gone you sit down at the table you had set with such pride and hope, but had become a battlefield instead. You cry for a long time before you get to the <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"> clean-up already started by your husband, and hit the bed just before midnight.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">If you can identify with the host and hostess, and have had similar experiences on your holidays in the past because of people behaving badly, you owe it to yourself and your children to do things differently from now on.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Everybody readily agrees that family is important, and everyone wants to belong to something close knit with ties that never break, no matter what. The reality is that most families experience plenty of strife, and not every member values family to the same extent. Quite often, there are periods of non-communication, and sometimes, sadly, complete rifts. Family dynamics do not only consist of shared values and wonderful memories, but also of sibling rivalry about achievements and status that can tear all that apart when egos are big enough. Who are Mom and Dad most proud of? Who got preferential treatment? The addition of new in-laws adds another whole dimension of potential discord. Are they good enough for us, or are they looking down on us? Will they try to fit in with us, or pull their spouse away? <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">When you consider all those dynamics coming together for dinner, it takes a commitment from <i>everyone</i> to be respectful to each other and not allow good-natured teasing to slip into insult. There is an additional sense of betrayal when a family member exposes another's weakness or a past mistake. My advice is, observe the Golden Rule.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">My mom told all her married children, after suffering a few awkward dinners, "If you are fighting on the way to my house, turn around and go home. No questions asked.” We got the message loud and clear.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">If you still want to host that big dinner, decide now what type of behavior is acceptable in your home and in front of your children. Remember the memories they will carry. Don't invite anyone with a drinking/behavior problem, no matter how closely-related. They'll be welcome again when the problem is under control. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">You can e-mail everyone now, telling them that your family is looking forward to a joyous and peaceful time, and that you are asking anyone with a grudge against anyone else to please stay home. Please come only if you want to help us celebrate the day!<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">If you are not the host, but instead a guest who feels loathe to go to that type of family free-for-all, bow out and tell them why.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Being an advocate for respectful behavior will not cause you to lose anyone who truly cares about you. Stand up for your right to enjoy your holidays, in peace.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-81752244715067363432011-10-11T07:00:00.001-04:002011-10-11T07:00:12.370-04:00It Is Not Too Soon To Think About The Holidays!<div class="Body1">If your response to this headline was <i>oh, please!!, </i>you probably need to read on and consider my advice with an open mind, because the advice can help you keep your nerves in check when other people's go haywire. (For all of you who are by nature prevention-focused and therefore have a solid system in place for this approaching time, this article is <i>not </i>for you.)</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">In general, it does not take a psychologist to notice the high stress levels people experience preparing for A Peaceful Holiday Season, not least of all the birth of the “Prince of Peace” himself.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Seriously, it boggles the mind to think of all the work, down to the minute details, it takes to make it all come together in the end. Well, I have a solution for you that will help keep insanity at bay and have you actually enjoying the process. The secrets are <i>organization</i> and <i>taking more TIME</i>, and that means <b>starting earlier</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Time management is a tricky thing for some, especially when the calendar tells you that you’ve still got four weeks before Christmas. Seems like plenty of time. In <i>real </i>time you do not have four weeks to get everything done - with a full-time job and/or children to care for, you only have three weekends, or <i>six days,</i> with a few evening hours here and there. If you have an average-size family, having only so little time to get it all done will certainly make your blood pressure go up!</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">In addition, to borrow from John Lennon, "life happens while you're making plans.” You must consider the possibility that you may get sick with a virus or a cold, or that a member of your family will, because it is <i>that</i> season, too. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">So, for a few years now, I’ve been starting to prepare earlier - because all of the above has happened to me, almost spoiling my favorite time of the year.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">There are many things that you can get done earlier than your friends may do them. I start <b>entering my holiday “action items” into my calendar around October 15th</b> each year. I never give myself more than one task a day. I do this in pencil, because inevitably things will have to be moved around for other appointments, school and activities for the children, and for the holiday parties we don't want to miss.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">My secret for making shopping <i>fun</i> is to <b>start early, and only shop for one member of my family at a time.</b> The advantage is that you can really focus on that individual, their likes and dislikes, resulting in more satisfaction with your purchase. Also, you get to go home before you are exhausted. I do combine shopping for others when there are only one or two gifts involved. For books and CDs, I shop online.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I keep all receipts and tags</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> with the name of the proposed recipient in an old shoebox decorated by my daughter two years ago, in case something needs to go back.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">In the past, I have waited to wrap everything when shopping was done. It took too long, it was boring, and my back and legs ached miserably. Ho, Ho, for that routine. <b>Now I wrap things as I buy them</b> (and shop early for the wrapping paper). I lay out a sheet on the floor of a spare room, gather the wrapped gifts there, and cover with another sheet to keep the dust off. Bows go on the day I give them away. (Another thing to shop for early are the toys for the children's charities - those pick ups come fairly early.)</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Here are some of the other things I deal with sooner than later so I can check them off the list:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Inspecting and trying on the outfits I would like to wear at the parties and the feast days at home. Dry clean now or buy something new? The children's clothes will surely be too small and there will be pictures, so I’ll have to get new outfits for them. (My husband is on his own. He prefers it that way.)</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="Body1" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I buy holiday cards very early, along with the necessary stamps. The cards we received last year are still in a shoebox. Is there anyone new to join the list? I start writing a few every day, stamp them and pile them up on my desk until my daily calendar says “mail.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I wash and iron all the holiday linen two weeks before Thanksgiving. All the wine and mixers to last through New Years Eve are in my cellar by that time also. Window lights and string lights get inspected after Halloween. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Having my calendar handy to see what is checked off and reassure me that I am right on track, gives me time to watch all my old favorite Christmas specials with my children, and keeps the stress and strain to a minimum.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">So, have a Happy Season, spread out the work, and start now!</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-24846371730714197282011-10-04T07:00:00.001-04:002011-10-04T07:00:13.624-04:00Tell Yourself A New Story<i><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;">“Our virtues are</span><span style="color: black;"> </span></i><i><u><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;">habits</span></u><span style="color: black;"> </span></i><i><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;">as much as our vices…our nervous systems have grown to the way in which they have been exercised, just as a sheet of paper or a coat, once creased or folded, tends to fall forever afterward into the same identical folds”</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;"><i><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;"> <o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;"><i><span style="color: black;"> </span></i><i><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;">--William James, one of the founders of scientific psychology (1899)</span></i><i><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;"><i><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;"><br />
</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;"><i><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;"><br />
</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;"><i><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: black;"><br />
</span></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3PRrCXYmzfT-txb9h5PZtRjcXAsMCcCAzITk-weLbqHy6xnhP_AFL4fb8Lkk2jBeWWFxe6Naho2Ow2KI_-7WzlhthOawsuX3u8_psrMB0HstVEaVAblpgpyNeWQ2eXfT9zufr9_495Qqe/s1600/folded+paper.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3PRrCXYmzfT-txb9h5PZtRjcXAsMCcCAzITk-weLbqHy6xnhP_AFL4fb8Lkk2jBeWWFxe6Naho2Ow2KI_-7WzlhthOawsuX3u8_psrMB0HstVEaVAblpgpyNeWQ2eXfT9zufr9_495Qqe/s320/folded+paper.png" width="264" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I have always loved a good metaphor, particularly those that give a deeper and clearer insight to an old truth. A lightbulb goes on and we say, "Oh, that's why!” or “that's how!”</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">With the scientific study of brain function, we now know that learning happens much the way a paper is folded – as the groove becomes more deeply creased, the paper naturally refolds in that same spot, even when you lay it flat on the table. Our unwanted “automatic” reactions - the ones that cause us pain or get us into trouble – are the result of the way our paper has been folded by past experiences. We have learned to look the world as if this is the <i>only</i> way the paper can be folded.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Some old folds - truths accepted in childhood - can haunt us more than fifty years later if they were never quite ironed out.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">When my mother was a child in postwar Germany, it was one of her daily chores to go into the cellar and get the potatoes for the day’s meal. It was an old house with an ancient deep cellar. The walls were black with coal dust and only one sad and sooted light bulb gave a glimmer of light - just enough to throw long shadows in the cavernous space, until you went around the corner into an open chamber were the potatoes laid on shelves in complete darkness. Being raised on the old Christian chestnut, “the Devil will get you if you are bad,” and knowing she wasn't always good, this became Mom's daily childhood nightmare. She had convinced herself that one day the Devil would come through one of the big cracks in the floor and grab her in the darkness. She couldn't tell her mom she was afraid the Devil would get her because her mom would then know she had been bad.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Moving to America and living most of her life on an island at the Jersey Shore, Mom never had a cellar again. Actively pursuing a more liberal spiritual path, the Devil too was left behind with the Grimm Brothers’ fairytales.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Retired for some time, Mom recently bought a small 100+ year old cottage near us in Pennsylvania. It also has a 100+ year old cellar with one lightbulb, cobwebs and debris. The first time she went down those barely lit steps, she felt "an eerie creepy feeling take a hold of her," turned around, and quickly went back up. Standing in her kitchen and calling herself a coward, it dawned on her that she was <i>still</i> afraid of cellars, after all this time. (The fold in the paper had never been ironed flat.) <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">She went down the steps again and got the same feeling, only <i>this</i> time she kept going, telling herself, “this is my house and my cellar and I love it and it loves me!” She doesn't remember how long it took before she felt normal in her cellar. She now uses it as her laundry room and for extra storage. Other than a good cleaning, nothing else has been done down there and Mom is quite content to have it as it is. She has flattened the old fold by retraining her brain.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">A friend of ours stopped smoking by frequently <i>telling himself</i> that he was a non-smoker. When the urge to smoke became strong, he would go outside into the fresh air take a few deep breaths and repeat to himself three times slowly that he was a non-smoker. On the weekends, when football games on TV made things especially challenging, he would still go outside and do his usual “I am a non-smoker” routine. Then he would go into another room, where a hard puzzle was in the works and stay there until he felt ready to rejoin the game. He has remained a non-smoker for many, many years.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Over time, the beliefs we accept as “true” become set (like the fold in the paper) and our reactions to our world become predictable and routine. A certain situation will arise, and we respond by becoming fearful, very angry, volatile, stressed or depressed. The idea that these painful emotions are occurring because of what we <i>believe</i> to be true, rather than what may actually be true, would not cross most people’s minds. But in many instances, the way out is to iron out the fold, and refold the paper in a new way – to retrain your own brain.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">So, when you find yourself unhappy with an old habit, or repeatedly reacting in a painful way to the same situation, you can do something about that. Find the thought you believe is true in “that” specific situation. That's the old fold in the paper. In the above examples it was:</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">1) The Devil is in the cellar.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">2) I am a smoker.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Then replace it with your <i>new </i>truth, repeat it and act on it as often as is needed, to iron out the old belief that you no longer want to accept. Be patient - some creases are old and sharp, but you will make progress. It may be subtle at first, but once the mind has been opened to something new it will never quite close again, unless you wish deliberately it too.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Each effort in the new direction is a step forward, and you cannot fail, if you don't give up!</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
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</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-4076161102148686592011-09-27T07:00:00.001-04:002011-09-27T07:00:11.734-04:00Never Say Or Think “I Should Have…”<div class="Body1">Living in the present and being content with who you are is the foundation for a good life. Everything else is extra.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Having said that, however, we all know that most people have not yet made peace with themselves. They judge themselves harshly (creating guilt) for their decisions and actions made in the past, and now seek to find their worth in worldly achievements, fame, and exchangeable relationships. None of it gives them lasting satisfaction. Some succumb to depression and withdrawal from society, and frequently self-medicate through substance abuse. <i>I shouldn’t have done that</i> is the theme that underscores this misery.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Sadly, they are unaware that the reasoning behind that thought is misguided, and even illogical. Here is why:</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">1) All decision and actions are based on what we believe to be true, <i>at the time</i> <i>they are <o:p></o:p></i></span></div><div class="Body1"><i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">made</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">2) Some psychological studies show that people have a very difficult time remembering </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">what it was like when they <i>didn't</i> know what they know now. For example, at some </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">point in our lives we learned that the world was round and the moon traveled around it, but we don't remember what it was like <i>not</i> knowing that.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">3) So, going back over the past armed with what we know <i>now</i>, it is difficult if not impossible to judge ourselves fairly. What happened then was based on what we knew <i>then</i>, the circumstances <i>then</i> and our feelings and beliefs <i>then</i>.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Therefore, it follows quite logically, that we should not judge from our present circumstances, from our knowledge and the beliefs we hold <i>now</i>, decisions made in another time and place.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">That is not to say we can't learn from the painful and unfortunate events in our lives. When presented with similar circumstances now, it would be wise to say, "What <i>could</i> I do differently?” <i>Should</i> is always a judgment of some kind, <i>could</i> opens up possibilities.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">If you are someone who carries pain and self-hatred from the past, remember that you truly don't remember the person you are judging now, it's quite impossible. Instead have compassion for his experiences, no doubt he did the best he could with whatever knowledge was available to him then. All you really need to think about is what you <i>could</i> do from now on.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">It's all about learning anyway. So try to look at the past with a more gentle eye from now on.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-21156232604318954432011-09-20T07:00:00.001-04:002011-09-20T07:00:01.586-04:00Who Do They Think They Are?<div class="Body1">Have you ever said or thought it? I know I have, plenty of times. "Who does he think he's talking to?" It's our gut reaction to someone crossing the boundaries of courtesy, getting too personal, or making an inappropriate request.</div><div class="Body1"><o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">If you are not someone who quickly loses his temper when feeling put upon (not recommended), or aren’t able to take the high road with a classy response, you may need some help when dealing with an overly “entitled” individual.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Jenny (not her real name) is my best friend in town. Everybody knows her and her husband Joe (not his real name) for the wonderful neighborhood parties they give. They are also the go-to couple for help and advice on anything home and garden. They are softies, always willing to lend a hand.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">The day before hurricane Irene went over our town, everybody was rushing around with last minute errands, bringing in the outdoor furniture and everything else that could become airborne and battening down the hatches. Lots of phone calls went back and forth. The anxiety in the neighborhood was palpable. The threat of flooding, and having one of the old trees along the sidewalks crashing down on our houses was real and imminent.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">It was getting late into the evening. Their family fed and everything secured, Jenny, Joe, and their three young children along with grandma were huddling in front of the TV, watching the Weather Channel. Then the phone rang again.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">It was a neighbor who rarely occupied the house next door, preferring to live up state in a home over-looking the river. She informed Jenny that they had just decided to leave the river house after all, and would she please strip and wash the sheets on their beds, because they themselves would be too tired to do so when they arrived. Thank you very much.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Jenny said yes. She felt slightly nauseous and upset. "What do they think they are?" Looking at Joe for support. In reality, Jenny was very angry at herself. She gave a lot of thought to what had just happened, and why she had agreed so automatically.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Was it just that she had failed to come up with a better response quickly enough? Although that might be partially true, as many people are momentarily stunned when confronting the unexpected, Jenny readily admits that she may not have the “stuff” to say "no."<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">If you, like my friend, doubt you could say "no" when an improper request is made of you, then the answer to, "Who do <i>I </i>think <i>I</i> am?" is what you need to explore.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">"No, I would be uncomfortable doing that," is an excellent reply. Any follow-up "Why?” can be answered with, "I already answered that'. Of course, silence is also an option. Do what feels more comfortable to you. <i>Do not</i> explain yourself more than that. You never need to justify treating yourself with respect.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-70285895485199164822011-09-13T07:00:00.001-04:002011-09-13T08:07:38.531-04:00Ideal Friends<div class="Body1">When I was young, the times I spent with each of my friends usually centered around a particular activity we both enjoyed doing. For instance, I loved going to the movies with “A”. We were joined at the hip for seeing every funny movie that came to the local theater. Our standards were very low - the dumber, the better. “A” and I had the same funny bone, and watching something silly together was always more hilarious than watching it alone. Often people in the audience would <i>shush</i> us for being too loud, but trying to suppress our laughter in that setting only made everything twice as funny. I'm sure we were very annoying. I'm sorry. We were very young.</div><div class="Body1"><o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Around that same age (10 or 11), a few girls from the neighborhood and I formed a private club. Meetings were held in the attic above our garage. We were all fans of the Judy Blume books, and <i>Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret</i> was our favorite. We learned a lot about our approaching womanhood from Judy Blume. And even though we were at least a year or two away from getting our first periods, we decided it was best to be prepared, and voted at one of our meetings that each member should stock up with the required provisions now. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">All my pocket money went to the local pharmacy for the next few weeks. We proudly compared our purchases at meetings, evidence of our advanced maturity. I remember feeling greatly embarrassed when my Mom found some of my stash and couldn't keep herself from laughing. When she finally stopped, and said it was all really very <i>cute</i>, my complete humiliation was achieved.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">There were friends I liked to hang around with because they were funny, and others who made good phone palls when the weather kept us in. I realize now that I had no real “bosom buddy” friend, someone I could trust with my innermost secrets, until I went to college.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">I met “C” on moving-in day and “J” just a few days later. The three of us became roommates a year later, and lived together until graduation. We grew to trust each other completely. We shared in our disappointments and small triumphs, and told each other the most intimate details of our lives. I don't think any one of us quite appreciated at the time how precious our friendship was and how hard it would be to duplicate with someone else when we grew older. After graduation, we became distanced by miles, but a phone call or a visit brings us right back to where we left off. I value that very much.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">In my professional and social adult life I have made some casual friends, similar to the kind I had when I was very young. But sadly, too many of the people I meet seem to find it impossible to let go of an image they have created for themselves, and their conversations circle around what they own. The latest car, the biggest home (at the best address of course!) and simply the best designer, darling!! When bragging becomes apparent in stories of travel, charity work and encounters with the rich and famous, I am so turned off that any type of true friendship becomes out of the question. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Another person I try to avoid is the “advice giver.” I met a classic example of this type recently at someone else's home at a housewarming party. Our host and hostess took their guests on a tour of their newly renovated home with some justified pride, telling funny little anecdotes about their mishaps and miscommunications with the contractors and workers. The aforementioned adviser took every opportunity to interrupt the stories we enjoyed with, "Oh, honey, you know what I always do?" followed up with whatever it was <i>she</i> had done. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">We all began to hate her quite openly, and tried to discover who had had the nerve to bring her. The last room to be shown was a redecorated guest room. Holding the arm of our hostess, the lovely lady told her, “You know, this could be a pretty room, if you painted it light green and changed some of the furniture." Enough said.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Every morning at my daughter’s preschool, a small group of happy children along with their sleepy parents gathered in front of the school, waiting for the door to open. It was very early in the day, so I usually just waved a weak hello to the other moms and kept quiet, thinking of the coffee waiting at home. "Do you give your kids a bath everyday?" someone asked over my shoulder one day. With a haughty “I beg your pardon!” on my lips and one eyebrow raised to underscore the point, I turned around to face the offender. I was greeted with a big smile from one of the moms I had casually chatted with at one of the many preschool birthday parties. Still smiling at me she added, "I don't."<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">I knew immediately that I could be friends with this women, and we have in fact grown to be very close – the first new bosom buddy I have made in a long time. There is no pretense in my new friend, despite her impressive credentials. She has the same casualness talking about her goof ups as she has about her accomplishments. I find that so attractive.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">If you find yourself still looking for a really close friend, allow yourself to be vulnerable with others. Sharing our foibles makes us relatable, pretending perfection does not. Take a chance. Your instinct will tell you who that contender may be.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">After reflecting on the friends (and non-friends) of years past, I’ve concluded that a good friend is a true treasure because,<o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1"><i>He will listen to you when you need to be heard.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="Body1"><i>And will not judge you harshly because she knows your heart.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="Body1"><i>He will never cross boundaries.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="Body1"><i>She will not give unsolicited advice.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="Body1"><i>And he won’t keep track of how often you call, or how long it's been.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Genuine friendship does not require “work,” nor is it in any way related to the words “should” or “ought.” It simply is.<o:p></o:p></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-38785427492970684722011-09-06T07:00:00.004-04:002011-09-06T07:00:03.301-04:00Passive Aggression Anyone?One of my dearest and closest friends - my children call him Uncle Shawn - is hands down our favorite guest. He is a great storyteller with a bit of the devil in him. Quite a bit, actually. He makes us laugh until we cry.<br />
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</div><div class="Body1">Shawn lives in New York City. After teaching for a few years he is currently working on his Ph.D. For as long as I have known him, Shawn has suffered from two great shortages in his life, one being spendable cash and the other is patience with his mother. This very proper lady flew into JFK one day for an impromptu visit with her son, and very naturally expected him to come and fetch her from the airport. Shawn, like most New Yorkers, does not own a car. Resenting her visit in the first place, and minding very much the cost of a round trip cab fare in the second, he settled his inner conflict by picking her up in a U-Haul - the cheapest option available to him.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">This is the only funny instance of passive aggression I know of. However, his mother didn't think it very funny at all, which of course was his point.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">A familiar passive-aggressive scene (perhaps all too predictable to some) is the husband who does not want to visit his in-laws this weekend, according to the long-standing plan. We will find him sitting in front of the TV until his wife and children are fully dressed and ready to go. His wife, having learned from experience that he will make them late again, had shouted reminders to him in regular intervals, while working on the kids and her own outfit. Not hearing any movement from the TV room, her shouts become more angry. At the door a furious argument ensues, or she may be crying about his indifference to her feelings. Either way, he is content. Making her miserable was the price she had to pay for “making him go.”</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Passive aggression can often be seen in young children who are told to share their toys with siblings or other children. They will throw the wanted toy in the opposite direction, or hand over some less attractive substitute. Or, among adults, it can be the recently cooked meal - now sitting in the trash can- waiting for the hungry person who forgot to warn he would be late. Or the colleague at work who drags his feet, because he doesn't like to work on a team.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">All these different behaviors occur when the perpetrator <i>knows</i> he or she really ought to do a specific thing or go to a previously agreed-upon place, because it is the right thing to do. Now they just resent having to do it. They will hold <i>someone</i> responsible and make them pay. Payment can be extracted by making you late for something important to you, through digs and low-blows to your self-esteem, or even by deliberately embarrassing you in front of others. P**sing on your parade in some way will make things even!</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">The closeness of your relationship to someone who behaves this way toward you, the frequency with which it occurs, and the extent to which they will go, will be the deciding factors in your response to it.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">For the valued long-term relationship where this behavior is infrequent and only annoying, I recommend simply ignoring it. Don't take the bait! If you don't give them the satisfaction they seek, they will eventually see it as a fruitless endeavor.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">In other, more serious situations, ask yourself, "What is at stake here?" Ignore it, or take a permanent walk?<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-24693716607546255482011-08-30T07:00:00.000-04:002011-08-30T07:00:04.790-04:00Peacekeepers Beware!<br />
<div class="Body1">It is my privilege to know some extraordinary people in whose company I feel especially relaxed and peaceful, and to whom I say a reluctant goodbye when the time is up.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">What these friends have in common is a generosity of spirit, an openness to life and adventure, and a great sense of humor. I have never known them to have a petty or nasty argument with anyone, although they very much enjoy a heated discussion on principal or on an educated point of view. They are also the voice for reason among quarreling friends and colleagues, and each in their own way exudes a presence that inspires one to stretch oneself, as if to somehow become more noble for the sake of all mankind.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">I think that most of us have, on occasion, facilitated peace in our immediate world by clearing up misunderstandings between family members and among friends. Or perhaps by diffusing a tense situation at work. It comes naturally to people who don't shy away from confrontation for the right cause. If you count yourself in this group, you're doing well.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">I have chosen my friend *Lisa's story to warn peacekeepers of another kind. Lisa is married to Bob and has children from a previous marriage to Frank. Frank was physically abusive whenever something didn't go his way, or when Lisa gave him a “look” he didn't like, or when the wrong music was playing on the radio. In order to keep the peace, Lisa obeyed her husband in everything and tried to avoid anything that might cause him to become violent. Frank though of himself as having “class” - he always apologized after he beat her up, sometimes there were even tears in his eyes when he proclaimed that “he could never live without her.” On occasion there were flowers. Every time was the “last time,” and Lisa kept the peace until the next time. She finally ran away with her children when the violence had escalated to the point that she believed he would kill her.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">She married Bob a day after she divorced Frank. At first, Bob seemed different. He was highly educated and espoused strong views for women's rights. He welcomed her children, as long as they obeyed the rules in his house. It was always <i>his </i>house, even though Lisa worked a full time job. (So much for women's rights.) Bob had a temper, and it became evident very quickly that it became much much worse when he drank alcohol. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Lisa, being an experienced peacekeeper, tried to cover all the bases that could start trouble. Her boys were teenagers at the time and she did their chores when they “forgot,” covered their tracks when they broke things in the house by wrestling and rough-housing while Lisa and Bob were working. To keep the peace, she wouldn't punish them for anything they did. To make a long story short, Bob's anger with the past, present and future, grew steadily worse with time as did his drinking. After calling his wife every obscene name in the book and accusing her of not contributing s--t, he, like Frank, apologized. She accepted to keep the peace. Lisa started having severe anxiety attacks with bouts of depression, and kept them secret for fear of being called crazy.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Bob left Lisa. Lisa's sons have left her as well. One doesn't speak to her at all, and the other has just grown distant. Lisa tried to stay close with them as they grew older and never criticized or gave an unwanted opinion. She knew how to keep peace, but not how to get respect or keep love.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">The purpose of the story is a warning to all women who seek peace at home at all costs. Know that you will be bearing all the cost, but you will get no peace. The problem with Lisa's life is Lisa. Whatever the reason for her low self-esteem may have been, she gave no cause for anyone to treat her better. Instead, she gave the men in her life the power to grow more and more violent in their outbursts to her, because she became ever more afraid. And stayed!</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">If someone you are close to has a bad temper and you tolerate it to keep peace, ask yourself, “Do I <i>really</i> have peace or am I just afraid to stand up for myself? What do I think would happen if I spoke my mind? What if I threatened with consequences?"</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">You maybe in a very dangerous place if you are experiencing fear. Leave while you can and seek counseling. Feeling less important than someone else will make you a victim over and over again.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">Learn to be a peacemaker <i>for yourself</i>. All good things come from that.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3667609426645247378.post-68060103944845777862011-08-23T07:00:00.000-04:002011-08-23T07:00:08.541-04:00When Distraction Is Welcome<br />
<div class="Body1">In the weeks before Christmas when it was time to send out the cards, I’d often see my mom take a bunch of them along with her address book and put them in her purse. She took them to work the next day, and wrote them during her lunch hour with the chatter of co-workers all around her. Then she mailed them on the way home.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">These particular cards required more than just a greeting because they were for family members in my mother's native Germany. To this day, my mom has long bouts of homesickness, and in order not to succumb to it when writing to people back home, she used the distractions of the lunch hour at work to keep her thoughts from dwelling in the past. It was a very useful tool.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">When my son was born at only 29 weeks, I lived for two long months in the Neonatal ICU, fixated on the instruments that measured his vital signs. When the alarms went off because he had stopped breathing (which he frequently did) and I saw him turn blue before my eyes, I went into a complete panic. I responded automatically in the same way to all the <i>other </i>alarms going of in the unit for babies in distress. Emotionally, I was a mess to put it plainly, but on those days when I had the company of my husband or my mom in the NICU, I felt a calming relief. They also provided some more lighthearted distractions with talk of work, family, neighbors and Hollywood gossip. (That last one would be more from my mom.) Their positive attitude (sometimes faked) helped me back to temporary sanity.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">A former colleague used to rush off to her sister's house after work, to be there when she opened her mail. Her sister had just gone through a nasty divorce (when aren't they?) and whenever she got a letter from the attorneys or her ex, she was afraid to open it alone for fear of reliving the nastiness and hurt. She was determined to move beyond it all, but it was too recent for her to feel she could trust herself. With the distraction of her sister's presence she found she could keep it reasonably light, and deal with the letters as “just business.”</div><div class="Body1"><br />
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</div><div class="Body1">It is practically impossible not to succumb to sadness and anxiety if you are alone and have nowhere else to focus. Calling on friends and family to simply “be around” during the tough times can provide a much needed barrier between you and the darker places your thoughts want to take you.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">I am not suggesting here that we distract ourselves from all difficulties and problems, quite the opposite actually. You may have noticed that no one mentioned in these examples, walked away from their responsibilities. What I am saying is, that when a difficult situation arises in which we could become the cause for our own pain, because of the thoughts we usually associate with it, then it is a kindness to ourselves to seek distraction from them. It is helpful and wise.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
</div><div class="Body1">It is not noble to suffer needlessly. Help yourself every time you can.</div><div class="Body1"><br />
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</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02547029401388076822noreply@blogger.com1