Jenny was raised
in a loving home, and like most children, firmly believed that everything her
parents said was true, and that the way they lived was the right way to live. Great value was given to cleanliness and keeping
things in their place, and Jenny was highly praised for every task she learned to accomplish.
When Jenny went
to college there was some relaxing of Mom's housekeeping standards because she
shared her room with two other girls. Her personal belongings were kept neat
and orderly, the only way she knew how. It came naturally without forethought -
it was part of her unconscious identity.
Tom also grew up
in a home full of love with a brother and sister close to his own age. His
father taught Zoology at the local college, and enthusiastically introduced his
children to the wonders of “all things great and small.” Growing up, there were
a multitude of pets, representing various species, under foot at all times. Mom
was a 6th grade art teacher who encouraged her children to use one wall in
their room to express themselves artistically. Tom was not all that interested
in art, so he tacked up various posters instead. Housekeeping was of the “one
of these days” variety, and Tom literally never saw the need for it anywhere.
It wasn't part of his identity.
As you may have
guessed, Tom and Jenny met in college, fell in love, had tons of fun with all
their friends, and moved into their own apartment right after graduation.
The radical
difference in the way they were raised, and what they would therefore value,
had not become very apparent till now. Jenny believed that Tom's indifference
to clothing was due to intellectual preoccupation, and that he really didn't
look that much different from their friends. The mess in his room she had
blamed on the other two occupants.
Jenny took to
their new apartment like a duck to water. She would make it a real home, where
family and friends would feel welcome. (And yes, be a little impressed, too.)
Decorating was so much fun, and when she talked to Tom about the things she
thought they should get, his answer predictably was always, "Whatever you
want, babe."
In the beginning,
Tom's general messiness - clothes, socks, dirty dishes everywhere - annoyed her
only a little. She loved him, he was just a little absent-minded, he hadn't
adjusted from dorm life yet, that's all. Her repeated requests for some
changes, though always agreed to, never came to fruition. Then came the talks
with tears, and Tom since loved his Jenny he promised most earnestly to do
better. In fact, he was clueless as to what the big deal was.
Jenny, on the
other hand, firmly believed that cleanliness and order showed good character.
Once, when her mother arrived just as she was coming home from work, she felt a
twinge in her stomach as she turned the key. Tom had worked from home that
afternoon and was on his way to the gym. Taking in the mess he had made with
one sweep of her eyes, Mom's only words were, "Oh, Jenny!" It hurt so
much to know what her mother must think of her now.
Jenny and Tom's
love eroded further, when he surprised her with two stray kittens and a week
later brought home a ragged little puppy that he had purchased in the
Super-Market parking lot. Tom fed and played with the animals and gave them all
of his free time, but, as expected, cleaning up after them fell to Jenny.
They broke up
when the talks turned into shouting matches. Jenny thought that Tom was just a
selfish lazy slob, and Tom thought Jenny was a bossy bitch who had to have all
things her way.
They were both
wrong, of course. With some maturity and reflection, and understanding why they saw things so differently, they
might have come to see that they hadn't taken adversarial positions to annoy
each other, but that each of them were good people with vastly different upbringings.
With an open mind, they might have come to realize the gifts they could have
brought to each other.
Jenny had
learned to love those kittens and the puppy Tom brought home. They had laughed
together many times over their antics, and she loved to see the tenderness in
Toms face when he played with them. Relaxing on the housekeeping might have
grown easier with a little more time. Jenny might also have had a different
reaction to her mother's criticism, having realized that there was so much more
to her than the mess around her.
Tom may have
come see that friends and family felt more comfortable and relaxed when the
couch and chairs weren't covered with whatever he had left there. He may have
noticed how nice it was, when getting ready for work, to find his clothes right
in front of him, hanging wrinkle free in the closet instead of the usual hunt
for something decent to wear, somewhere in the house. Oh, and no small thing for
the absent-minded, is being able to find one's keys, wallet and phone all in
the same place each and every morning.
My point in
telling their story is to give a clear picture of how strongly our upbringing
shapes who we are, and our point of view on how things MUST be done.
As mature
adults, it is very helpful to understand that another's opinion or methods is a
great part of their personal identity, and outright criticism and hostility only
creates more anger. It is very threatening to have one's identity questioned.
It will help you
tremendously to keep this in mind, not only with partners but with co-workers
as well. Listen to what they have
to offer that is different from your own ideas. If they too have adopted an
open-minded attitude, as you have now, the sky is the limit on future success!
Replacing an old idea with a new and better one opens the mind for growth, and for
becoming so much more than who you were when you left home! So, listen. How else do we learn?