Why To Do Lists Don't Always Work

I think that everyone who reads my postings even occasionally is aware that I quite literally live my life by making or having a list for everything. (Well, not quite everything, but almost.)

I have received a number of e-mails, from readers and students who have attended my seminars, telling me that To Do lists don't seem to work for them. Things fall into the same old routine, even when the list is prominently displayed on the front of the refrigerator. So, what's up with that?

My first and obvious answer is that before you sit down and write your list, be honest about your commitment to it and give each task a deadline.

Many times, an individual will experience a really good feeling of accomplishment when the carefully drafted To Do list is finished and hanging in its place. It's a new beginning, and the first step has been taken. This feeling of already having taking action, for the not-so-eager beaver, can last for as much as a month. After a while, you no longer even see the list as a "special reminder," and it becomes a part of the way the refrigerator looks. Things fall back into the old "oh I forgot!" groove.

This is also true for notes pinned to a board or stuck to the computer if action is not taken in a timely fashion. Even the Mona Lisa would stop taking your breath away if she was hung on the refrigerator door for that same period of time. The brain adjusts and eventually stops noticing things.

To make an effective To Do list, each task must be assigned a time frame, which you must enter into your daily calendar as you would an appointment with your doctor.  It needs to be a priority.  And if you list not only what you need to do, but when and where you will actually do it, you are much more likely to cross it off that To Do list once and for all.

Why It Is So Hard To Accept Another Point Of View

Jenny was raised in a loving home, and like most children, firmly believed that everything her parents said was true, and that the way they lived was the right way to live. Great value was given to cleanliness and keeping things in their place, and Jenny was highly praised for every task she learned to accomplish.

When Jenny went to college there was some relaxing of Mom's housekeeping standards because she shared her room with two other girls. Her personal belongings were kept neat and orderly, the only way she knew how. It came naturally without forethought - it was part of her unconscious identity.

Tom also grew up in a home full of love with a brother and sister close to his own age. His father taught Zoology at the local college, and enthusiastically introduced his children to the wonders of “all things great and small.” Growing up, there were a multitude of pets, representing various species, under foot at all times. Mom was a 6th grade art teacher who encouraged her children to use one wall in their room to express themselves artistically. Tom was not all that interested in art, so he tacked up various posters instead. Housekeeping was of the “one of these days” variety, and Tom literally never saw the need for it anywhere. It wasn't part of his identity.

As you may have guessed, Tom and Jenny met in college, fell in love, had tons of fun with all their friends, and moved into their own apartment right after graduation.

The radical difference in the way they were raised, and what they would therefore value, had not become very apparent till now. Jenny believed that Tom's indifference to clothing was due to intellectual preoccupation, and that he really didn't look that much different from their friends. The mess in his room she had blamed on the other two occupants.

Jenny took to their new apartment like a duck to water. She would make it a real home, where family and friends would feel welcome. (And yes, be a little impressed, too.) Decorating was so much fun, and when she talked to Tom about the things she thought they should get, his answer predictably was always, "Whatever you want, babe."

In the beginning, Tom's general messiness - clothes, socks, dirty dishes everywhere - annoyed her only a little. She loved him, he was just a little absent-minded, he hadn't adjusted from dorm life yet, that's all. Her repeated requests for some changes, though always agreed to, never came to fruition. Then came the talks with tears, and Tom since loved his Jenny he promised most earnestly to do better. In fact, he was clueless as to what the big deal was.

Jenny, on the other hand, firmly believed that cleanliness and order showed good character. Once, when her mother arrived just as she was coming home from work, she felt a twinge in her stomach as she turned the key. Tom had worked from home that afternoon and was on his way to the gym. Taking in the mess he had made with one sweep of her eyes, Mom's only words were, "Oh, Jenny!" It hurt so much to know what her mother must think of her now.

Jenny and Tom's love eroded further, when he surprised her with two stray kittens and a week later brought home a ragged little puppy that he had purchased in the Super-Market parking lot. Tom fed and played with the animals and gave them all of his free time, but, as expected, cleaning up after them fell to Jenny.

They broke up when the talks turned into shouting matches. Jenny thought that Tom was just a selfish lazy slob, and Tom thought Jenny was a bossy bitch who had to have all things her way.

They were both wrong, of course. With some maturity and reflection, and understanding why they saw things so differently, they might have come to see that they hadn't taken adversarial positions to annoy each other, but that each of them were good people with vastly different upbringings. With an open mind, they might have come to realize the gifts they could have brought to each other.

Jenny had learned to love those kittens and the puppy Tom brought home. They had laughed together many times over their antics, and she loved to see the tenderness in Toms face when he played with them. Relaxing on the housekeeping might have grown easier with a little more time. Jenny might also have had a different reaction to her mother's criticism, having realized that there was so much more to her than the mess around her.

Tom may have come see that friends and family felt more comfortable and relaxed when the couch and chairs weren't covered with whatever he had left there. He may have noticed how nice it was, when getting ready for work, to find his clothes right in front of him, hanging wrinkle free in the closet instead of the usual hunt for something decent to wear, somewhere in the house. Oh, and no small thing for the absent-minded, is being able to find one's keys, wallet and phone all in the same place each and every morning.

My point in telling their story is to give a clear picture of how strongly our upbringing shapes who we are, and our point of view on how things MUST be done.

As mature adults, it is very helpful to understand that another's opinion or methods is a great part of their personal identity, and outright criticism and hostility only creates more anger. It is very threatening to have one's identity questioned.

It will help you tremendously to keep this in mind, not only with partners but with co-workers as well.  Listen to what they have to offer that is different from your own ideas. If they too have adopted an open-minded attitude, as you have now, the sky is the limit on future success! Replacing an old idea with a new and better one opens the mind for growth, and for becoming so much more than who you were when you left home! So, listen. How else do we learn?

When Sooner Is Better Than Later

Frances has been divorced for several years. Ex-husband Ralph had been somewhat of  a bully and Frances still felt intimidated and nervous when communicating with him regarding an investment they still owned in common. As had been his habit in the past, Ralph continued to manage it quite independently of her opinion and wishes.

Eventually,  Frances made plans to change her life completely, shedding the painful past and living a meaningful life according to her own heart and standards. She planned to buy a house in the little town that once was home and find a way to make a difference there. She needed the money from the investment with Ralph.

The thought of having to tell him that she wanted her share literally stopped her in her tracks. She mentally reviewed all the scenarios on how this may play out, and in her mind one was worse than the other. She became more and more upset, and the idea began to fill her with dread. All joy went out of her vision for the future. Instead of making that phone call and, in a business-like manner, claim what was hers, she reverted to identifying with the wife of the past to whom all things were granted according to Ralph's whim.

Reliving all the hurts and insults of her marriage did much to undo the healing she had achieved since the divorce, and her mind got stuck in the past. Not in the habit of aski, she realized that talking to Ralph could not possibly feel worse than what she had been doing to herself. Almost emotionless, she made her request and "if that's how you want it, fine” was his only reply.

Think of all the prolonged anxiety and stress we undergo, when we let our imaginations decide how someone else may respond to a request or an unpleasant event that must be shared. Say what you have to say as soon as you can, before you start second- guessing the answer. Prolonging the inevitable can make you very unhappy, and it can hurt others as well.

Henry was grandfather, and best friend, to his only son's growing boys. Retired and loving all things outdoors, he took the boys camping and fishing and taught them about the local wildlife and the names of all the things that grew around them. He would sometimes quiz them about what they had seen that day, and the winner would get a dollar. Henry also taught them how to make a great kite, and in the fall flying kites and picnics became regular family affairs.

Henry was a long-time widower, had worked hard his whole life and had owned his own little auto repair shop. His greatest sense of achievement came from being able to send his son to college - the first one in the family to go. Jim in turn repaid his father well when he made him the proudest man in town - the day he became the principal in the local high school.

When Henry retired and sold his little shop, he told everyone that he would invest that money and send all four of his son’s boys to college as well. The idea of still being able to care for his family at this time of his life filled him with purpose and pride.

Our recent debacle with the stock market all but broke Henry. Gone was the dream of sending all four boys to college - he felt defeated and depressed. He declined all invitations from his son, made vague excuses to the boys when they called and kept the door locked when they rang the bell. Jim suspected the cause for his behavior and thought his dad might just need some time. The boys, however, were another story.  The daily absence of Grandpa confused and upset them very much.

Finally, an old friend of Henry's (my neighbor, who told me this story) challenged his behavior. "How can I face them, and tell them there isn't enough money left for all of them? What will they think of me then?” he asked with tears in his eyes.

“By God, Henry, you give your family little credit if you think they love you for the money. What do those boys know and think about college anyway? And if I know anything about Jim, and I do, he's preparing for his sons’ education, just like his father did for him. If it's your pride, Henry, you’re paying a mighty price for it!"

Henry returned to the fold, as they say - but again, sooner would have been better.

So, don't agonize over imagined outcomes when you have something to say or ask for. The truth really does set you free.

Keeping A Check On Finances Makes For Happier Relationships

It is a fact that financial difficulties and incompatibility in money matters are one of the leading causes for divorce, and the breakup of many families.  Even for those of us who are single, it's an acute cause of stress.

At this particular time of the year, many of us are smarting because it's time to pay the piper for our holiday spending. In addition, we are receiving the inevitable notices of increases in fees for everything from electricity to insurances and homeowners taxes.   It's a great time to grab the bull by the horns and get serious about your budget.

There is help available for this on the internet, and the office supply stores sell many different versions of budgeting books you can buy.  If you want to be thrifty like my mom, design your own sheets and make a year’s worth of copies to keep in a folder.

Total the amounts you paid out for last year’s bills in every category (including annual or bi-annual bills, such as the various insurances, taxes, co-payments to doctors and dentists, estimated car repairs, etc.), divide them by twelve, and the resulting sum will be the amount you have to save each month in order to have the funds available when those items come due.

It is a good idea to deposit that money in a savings account. As you save each month the sum will grow and leaving it in the checking account may tempt you to believe that you have more spendable income then you really do.

I think it may be a good idea to repeat my advice from a previous post on traversing the slippery slope of frequent credit card use, for those who may have missed that column.

Many people use their credit cards for almost all financial transaction because they don't like to carry a checkbook (my husband) or they like receiving those bonus points periodically, for a free shopping trip (like me).

Whatever the reason, you may also be among those who hold their breath, or even wait a few days, before opening the bill with the final tally.

If you have ever heard yourself exclaim any of the following...

Holy s--t! There must be some mistake here.

How did this get away from me again?

How can I keep this from Bill (or Elaine)?

...then you know that overcharging is easy and causes some serious stress. And if you have had enough of it, here is an excellent motivational tool to finally put an end to it:

On a simple notepad, write down the amount of every charge on the same day that you make it. Keep a running subtotal for the entire month. (Make sure you subtotal each new charge, that is the main point here!) Now, whenever you go out the door to go shopping you will know exactly how much you have left to spend on necessities (groceries and gas), and after the final total you will know what's left for the little splurges we all like to treat ourselves to.

Do not trust yourself to keep your totals in your head without writing it down! Memory is a tricky thing, and easily influenced by a strong desire for some tempting purchase. It is easy to fool yourself into thinking you have got more money to spend than you do

So, to stop the stress, write it down, check it and keep it honest!

Don't Fight It, Adjust To The Season

Now that the holidays are over, most of us are experiencing a kind of a slump. All of the partying, feasting and plain hard work has us feeling deflated both emotionally and physically. Some will feel disappointed for putting on a few unwanted pounds, and others will rue outspending their Christmas budget.

Feeling blue is a natural result of all these circumstances. In addition, we are looking at grey skies, and facing cold temperatures and unpredictable weather condition for at least another couple of months. We envy those who live in warmer climates, and those who can get away from it all.

At work, the boss gives his “inspirational” speech about grabbing the new year by the horns, bringing more energy and enthusiasm and more fresh ideas. You are just not feeling it, and you don't feel happy in general.

Maybe you have become more irritable with family members and co-workers and just can't shake the funk. Before you start making drastic changes in your life, or blaming others for your state of mind, consider this:

Loss of energizing sunlight has a substantial negative affect on our sense of well being. Consider that much of the animal word adjusts to this by hibernating, eating stored food and moving very little. Our forefathers followed their example fairly closely. They also stored up food and wood to keep themselves warm, and indoor activities were low key: reading, writing letters, playing music, mending clothes etc. Candles were expensive then, so bedtime came early and with plenty of homemade covers.

Compare that to our lives today. It is true that heating and lighting are plentiful now and we don't have to store a winter supply of food anymore, but the demands on our physical and cognitive energies are the same now as they are in June. We also have to get to our jobs everyday, no matter how difficult that becomes: Shuffling snow, scraping ice, getting into an ice-cold car, dangerous road conditions and parking even more limited due to drifts and snow pileups. Some of us have to wait in the streets for public transportation, unprotected from whatever blows, and then attack our workload with energy and enthusiasm!

Of course we feel low and cranky. Our immune system is being drained and we experience more illnesses than in the rest of the year.

Lets help ourselves as much as possible to make life more pleasant till spring. The winter sun is harsh and gives no comfort, but full spectrum light from lamps is proven to help many who suffer from seasonal light depravation. Light up the rooms you frequent most. Make the kind of meals grandma made and brought you comfort. Don't be careless about wearing proper clothing! Go to bed one hour earlier than you usually do - it does wonders for you the next day - and take weekend naps when you can.

To combat boredom, have comfy get-togethers with friends to watch a good movie. Everyone brings a small warm dish to split work and expense. Have game nights, play charades – you can even have poetry night were everybody reads their favorite poem and talks about their reason why it is so. You can have a karaoke night with themes: all Beatles or country, or whatever will be fun.

Remember to make your entertainments shorter to get more rest, and cheaper to catch up from holiday budget busters. Keep warm.  This too shall pass.

Just One More Resolution for 2012: Relax

Is one of your New Year’s resolutions to calm down, because your physician has strongly advised it, or because you hate how burned out you feel and life isn’t as rewarding as it used to be?

To that end, meditation, exercise and stroking your cat are some of the most popular recommendations by professionals and gurus alike. And you may have tried some of these activities in the past (assuming you aren’t allergic to cats). Meditation might have left you feeling confused and convinced that you must be doing something wrong. You were not looking for a “path” and it wasn't a good fit. Running in the morning was making you feel healthier, but your mind was already at work, preparing the many arguments you were likely to have that day, so it wasn’t exactly a relaxing experience.

So here you are. You need to learn how to calm yourself, but your life is too busy and hectic to take time out for experimentations that you are not particularly drawn to. Is that about it? Well, read on - I'm bringing help.

I do believe that meditation and exercise are wonderful and proven ways to bring about mental well-being and improve health in general. I also know that the majority of people  who give these a first try, walk away sooner than later. Meditation takes dedication and expert guidance, and there is no quick pay off. For the person who cannot stop his or her stressful thoughts while exercising, another solution is needed. Sadly for many who believe they have failed at something that obviously has changed the lives for others, self-judgment will be harsh.

Some individuals even believe that taking any time out for oneself is selfish somehow, and that something important is sure to suffer for it.

So, how do all of us, with so little time, desperate to get away from a mind in overdrive, and body muscles tight enough for “flight or fight” at any minute, get to a place were we can both rest and recharge?

Everyone near my age (thirty something) grew up plugged into earphones stuck in a Walkman. It was the greatest thing - no complaints about volume, and no arguments about what constituted “good music.” The world that “didn't get it” was simply tuned out.

Of course we have updated the equipment with iPods and MP3 players, but you can still use them to tune out and relax anywhere and anytime you can take a break.

This method works so well, because you decide what will truly take you away for a while. You choose the type of music you love, or you can listen to someone read to you from your favorite book. You could listen to the sounds of nature, the chants of monks or even a guided relaxation meditation.

I recommend a cold washcloth over the eyes (or a wet hankie if you are at work) and elevated feet, if possible. Your mind becomes passive during this “tune out” because it is listening.   And the body, no longer getting stressful signals from the brain, relaxes as well -  and that feels so very good.

Finding more peace and relaxation is like trying to lose 50 lbs. Small but steady increments, and keeping the ground you’ve gained, will keep you on the You path.

Try it, it works!!

For The Year 2012

Although you may not live it consciously, you are the “captain of the ship” you call your life. Not the sea - just the vessel. We do not control which challenges will try us, but we do control how we tackle them. To do this effectively requires having the right tools at the right time.

Insight to your "suchness," and acceptance of who you are right now will give you those tools and smooth the way forward. Otherwise, you live your life like a ping pong ball being bounced around by circumstances -  fearful and apparently helpless. Life lives you instead of the other way around.

The enemy of introspection is the belief in perfection (with everyone having their own idea of what that may be.) Looking inside with a more accepting and realistic eye, we find what is not yet "perfect,” but instead of treating it as something embarrassing, we welcome it as a way to make our lives happier and better.

Being perfect, or even becoming perfect, is a silly game our egos play with us. It is impossible to win, so let's refuse to play! What's wrong with walking the path of learning anyway? Living in denial of our perceived weakness and stumbling blocks causes an emotional disconnect with others, a deep loneliness, and an ever-present fear of being found out.

Small things we discover can have such great results, when we stop playing the perfection game. For example, when my mom retired and moved far away from her lifelong social circle to leave near me and her grandchildren, she bought a neglected 100+ year old house and a large wilderness of a backyard. Her plan was to make everything "perfect," a jewel to be admired. All of her energy (she has a considerable amount) and time were spent on a never-ending job. That, plus a few hours dedicated to quilting to break things up, pretty much summed up most of her life.  

                                                                                                                           

Mom was becoming a homebody, and made no attempts to meet new people and make friends. Having no need to feel pretty, she wore her paint-splattered clothes almost daily.  And her hair, once the object of fussy attention, now did what ever it wanted to. Spur of the moment invitations for a family outing or an unplanned party when friends dropped by were always answered with, "No thanks, I'd have to do my hair -  I'm just not up to all that fuss.”

My mom was becoming a “schlep” (her word, not mine). In addition, she was becoming lonely, although she fervently denied that for the first couple of years. She blamed her lack of enthusiasm for anything new on just being tired from all the work. She insisted she was happy in her new life, just as it was. Of course, I knew better and (as any good daughter would) shared my thoughts with her, frequently.

A few weeks ago, while we were having coffee and talking about all the things that usually happen to New Year’s resolutions, she shared hers with me and I could not have been happier. “You know,” she said, “I have been thinking about why I feel so glum all the time. I have become lazy about my appearance. I have a need to feel pretty when I go out. Call it shallow, but that's who I am. I am lonely and it's my fault. I am well on my way to being an old coot if nothing changes. As you may have noticed I set my hair this morning, I am wearing lipstick and there is no paint on my pants! As of today, and for the new year, I will set my hair first thing every morning, I will come when you invite me and I also want to go to the weekly lectures at the library. It's a new start."

Such a small thing, and such a big turnaround. (If you, too, are someone who declines invitations because you are in a rut - like not having something ready to wear when the phone rings - have an outfit ready to wear only for such an occasion. Eventually, people will stop asking assuming it will be a “no.” Be ready when opportunity knocks. As a rule, we are social animals, and we need those connections to live a balanced life.)

The thing is, only you know - with introspection and without laying blame on others - what it is that keeps you from living life the way you want to.  And just maybe that life is different than the one you sort of drifted into.

So, for 2012, let's get to know ourselves a little better still, with the intent of becoming freer and happier. Forget about being perfect, see yourself with honesty and kindness, identify the obstacle and make a plan.

Happy New Year!

When Gratitude Does Not Bring Happiness

"Finish your dinner and be grateful you have something to eat when other children in the world are starving!" Well, we didn't feel grateful. Just guilty.

"No, you can't have a pair of new sneakers. Your old ones are still fine. Be grateful that you have so much when more unfortunate children have so little." No feelings of gratitude resulted from this either - just more guilt and disappointment.

I remember as a little girl, learning that Jesus died a grueling death for our sins and that we were forever grateful to him for that. I felt ashamed and fearful and not grateful at all.

As we grow up, our associations with gratitude and counting-our-blessings often creates very mixed emotions in us. We secretly suspect that there is a great lack of gratitude within us, and a shadow of moral judgment accompanies that suspicion.

There have been many publications and self-help books on the theme of “finding a way to happiness” by counting your blessings at the end of every day and writing down the things you are grateful for. So, if you have had a rotten day, thinking about all the things that are good in your life will make you feel grateful - which equals happiness - and you'll sleep with the innocence of a baby. The idea is that eventually, with continued practice, you’ll focus only on your blessings and will thus able to ignore all the negative and hurtful things that do occur in the average person's daily life.

The problem with these happiness-through-gratitude exercises is that they can feel trite, and even naïve.  There are days when we can't make ourselves feel grateful for a damn thing.  I would like to offer a more genuine, and realistic, picture of  “living a grateful life.”  Let's change the word “grateful” to savor. Savoring comes naturally, without guilt or judgment at any level. Being aware and paying attention to the things you enjoy is savoring your life as it happens.

I remember how every Christmas morning, after all the presents were opened, Mom and I would open the box of chocolates that came every year from my grandmother in Germany. These were always special to us. Mom and I would each choose three pieces, sit one on each end of the couch with our feet stretched out, and very slowly and deliberately savor each tiny little bite with the occasional "yum yum" in testament to the goodness. There was real gratitude to Oma in this, which we experienced through savoring.

I have written before about how much my mother dislikes cooking, and the clever ways she has found to eat well without going to restaurants.  I usually invite her to dinner at least twice a week, and she is - above all others -  my favorite person to cook for. Her face reflects the pleasure she finds in every bite, and she likes to note all the different spices she detects on her tongue. Then she reminds us of a time in history, when only kings and rich merchants were lucky enough to experience these flavors. We all become more aware of what we are tasting and enjoy it more. As Mom savors the meal she didn't have to cook, she is quite obviously grateful. (She says so too.)

Another thing Mom and I share and savor, and I hope to pass this on to my children, is our love for Christmas decorations on the outside of other people’s homes. When I was little, my parents were relatively poor, and glad to have enough for Christmas on the inside. So, to increase our Christmas spirit even more, we would take nightly rides beyond the neighborhood to marvel at the beauty of the lights. We were amazed at the effort people made to bring joy to all who drove by.  We picked our favorites, continuously changing our minds as we came upon bigger and even more complicated displays. We would shout, "Thank You!" to anyone still working outside, as we became infected by the magic of that special time. We felt grateful to the many people who worked so hard and brought us so much joy. We still do.

When you can savor the good company of a friend, conversations around favorite memories, or the flavor of a really good cookie, you are living in gratitude naturally.  That's what it's all about, and that's all there is to it.

Past studies have shown that grateful people are in general happier. This is the kind of gratitude they are talking about -  enjoying to the fullest the things you love and being completely present to it.

Happy Holidays!

What's Happening Now?

Helena was a first generation American with an uncompromising attitude towards time. Her father ruled her home with a loud voice and a clock in his left hand. Being late for anything was unforgivable and severally punished. Helena learned from her mother, who had given up her voice years before her daughter was born, how to do things quickly and well - always keeping one eye on the clock. To have a semi-peaceful family outing, mother and daughter knew it was best to be already standing next to the car, when father was still putting on his coat.

Later in life, always being the first one at work and getting more of it done than anyone else, Helena was rewarded for her ingrained habits by receiving generous raises and frequent  promotions. Her workload was also raised right along with her salary. Well, after all, she had shown she could do it.

By the time Helena had a family of her own, she was in a real race to do things well for her family and her boss. Quite predictably, she started to experience very frightening anxiety attacks which increased over time, both in frequency and severity. Although she came to realize that her perception of time and terror of “lateness” was seriously hurting her, she lacked the insight or courage to seek professional help. She decided that she would deal with her anxiety by budgeting an extra hour into her travel time for appointments or invitations, in case the traffic was bad or there was an accident on the road. (The extra time was usually spent waiting in the parking lot until it was time to go inside.)  To keep from worrying about her family going naked if she got sick, she maintained a habit of having at least seven days worth of perfectly laundered outfits for everyone, ready to wear.

The tragedy of her life, and others like her, is that she was never present to the life she was living at the moment. Her thoughts were occupied with possible scenarios in the future, to remove potential obstacles for being late with, or to, anything tomorrow.

Sadly, many of us live life in an imaginary, sometimes fearful, sometimes hopeful future scenario. Although Helena's case is extreme and she probably would have benefitted from an early intervention, I’m sure many of you can relate to how she felt.

When our thoughts are trapped by worries and frantic plans for tomorrow (Buddhists call this “chasing the monkey,” because it is pointless), we give up the awareness of experiencing our life as it really is, at this moment, in real time. Think of all the arguments you have fought in your mind to be prepared for some future argument that never occurred.  All the potential threats to your welfare you lost sleep over for many nights, that didn't happen. Instead, you lost the experience of a warm bed, perhaps a loving partner, good sleep and the wonderful feeling of gratitude for having all that.

When you are not really tasting your food, or enjoying the sweaty smell of your little boy’s hair because he's been battling the bad guys with his deadly plastic sword, you are away in the future and missing out on the treasures that are here and only right now.

Hurrying through life is missing it altogether. Hurrying is both caused by anxiety, and creates more of it. We make more mistakes and have accidents. Caught in this current, we forget the smell of roses, the goodness of a cozy room on a cold day, and the taste of melting butter on fresh toast.

So, save yourself from the race that never ends and has no winner. Make a devoted effort to slow down! Before getting out of bed in the morning, promise your self, “I will not hurry today.” Leave yourself small sticky notes around the house, in your car and in your desk drawer, to remind yourself to become aware of this moment. Look around and observe, really observe, then go back to what you were doing without a sense of hurry.

Remember that you have begun to rid yourself of an old harmful routine. Each time you remind yourself to be present to your life as it is in the moment, you're ironing out the hard-edged crease of a bad habit. Be very patient with yourself, but stay faithful to your efforts.

Make this the holiday gift you give yourself.

Make Family Gatherings Better

The difficulties that arise at some family get-togethers are often the result of tense relationships between siblings and cousins. This tension - or even outright dislike - can stem from childhood memories of misbehavior and rivalry, memories that set the tone for how everyone gets along as adults. In some cases, differences of opinions, and goals that differ widely from the “family norm” maybe judged as weird, or even disloyal. Not all families grow closer with time.

The fact is that, first and foremost, we are each very much individuals with unique characteristics, who happen to also belong to a family. Our society admires us when we are strong and self-reliant, and our education is geared toward this goal. Ideally, the family supports each member to grow his or her own wings.

This is, of course, not true for everyone. In addition, who we actually have become as adults is more likely to be accurately discerned by friends or one's partner.  “Family” has always known who you are, and they are quite convinced that they are right, because they have known you from childhood. Growing differences in personality can become a point of irritation rather than curiosity.

It is not unusual that for some, sharing accomplishments and financial successes is less about making Mom and Dad proud, and more intended as a poke in the eye for the rest of the clan. Take that!

Knowing the dynamics and undercurrents that maybe present at your family celebrations, and understanding that we really don't  know all about each other, is the only way to achieve a permanent turnaround.

Treat your family members like a new friend, in whose life you are very interested.  You can make a good start by asking questions like, "So what does your day usually look like when you get to the office?" Ask about their favorite Christmas present. What was their most embarrassing moment? What do they like to read just for fun that isn't either educational or for work? To what part of the world would they like go for a month, if everything was free? What other type of work would they like to try, if it was possible?

Give the long answer to a question directed at you. A short throwaway answer will make no one come back for more. Don't be afraid to give a thoughtful compliment.

Make a start for change if your family gathers because they think they should, but not because they want to. They will catch on to the direction you want to take it, things will be more interesting and harmonious, and I bet you will actually have some fun. We are very complex beings, and sharing the little things brings us closer. It’s never to late to start actually enjoying your family!

Have You Found Your Bliss?

My husband and I try to introduce our children to as many activities as we can locally find. So far our daughter has enrolled in Karate, soccer, cooking lessons and a short theater course. We take them along to play golf, swim at the YMCA pool, and do arts and crafts at the farmer's market. 

It is not our intention to discover a hidden talent that will make them stand out from others. We want to let them discover an activity for themselves that they will enjoy doing, perhaps throughout their lives.

Past studies have shown that active people  - people who keep themselves busy - are happier than those that are not, and find more enjoyment in everyday living in general.

But how should you keep yourself busy?  What should you do with yourself? The problem for some of us grown up folks lies in our belief that "idle hands are the Devil's workshop."  It is right to a point, but it's usually taken to mean that we should be busy with work - with something useful. Perhaps a better proverb for today's way too hectic life would be "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!"

Not having something fun to escape to when one is stressed, mentally overworked, bored,or as a way to reward oneself,  has a depressing affect on people.  It makes them listless and clouds their general outlook on life. ( And they are no fun to be around.)

Having something you love to do also gives you a great tool you can use when you are tempted to break your diet with that cookie, or smoke a cigarette when you are trying to quit.  Instead of giving in, walk away and do the thing you love!  It's a terrific distraction.

There are many adults who, for as many reasons, have never discovered what they might do for the sheer joy of doing it.  Sadly, many are of the opinion that any undertaking without a productive result is simply a waste of time. Some of this is due to parental or cultural influence, some to personal ambition ("I simply have more important things to do.")

Doing my own little survey for this post among family and friends, I have discovered a wide variety of activities people engage in for the sole purpose of having fun.  Retirees often have great success in finding a fulfilling hobby. They have plenty of time to check things out, and there is no longer a struggle with guilt about doing something more productive.

I was, however, pleasantly surprised to find that many of the people working 40+ hour weeks still had found their own little pleasures "just to get away from it all." They hook rugs, play games on the computer, knit, paint pictures by the numbers, do intricate picture puzzles; two had taken an evening class to learn how to play the guitar and someone else had taken a class to make mosaic art. 

Cross word puzzles had several enthusiasts and one working mom was a whittler with great passion. Her Grandpa had been a whittler and in her youth she would sit with him in the old barn where he would tell her stories of the magical creatures he had met in the woods while looking for just the right fallen branches. Sometimes they would leave him just what he needed on the old tree stump, where they knew he always rested for a spell.

I was so charmed by this story that I seriously thought of taking up whittling, just for a minute or two.

All this of course is to inspire you so that if you don't already have "it", you will go and get "it." It's never too late and it needn't cost much. There are many How To... websites on the internet, reasonable prices for evening classes in the local high school,  and the library is an absolute treasure for books on crafts.

When you give some thought to what you might like to pursue, something may come to mind that you were always a little curious about. Maybe you even have an acquaintance  whose hobby you had found interesting.  If it requires a specific skill, perhaps they'll show you how it's done.

Do it! Have fun!  Having fun is very important to a well balanced life - happiness and wellness go hand in hand. The only rule is that there be no judgment of "value"  on the type of activity you choose, and that the joy be purely in the doing of it! Let your whimsy be your guide.

Not Everyone Is Looking Forward To The Holidays

Christmas Day, 11:30 p.m. The house is empty again and all the guests have gone home. The children are asleep on the floor.  You kick off your shoes and fall back on the couch. The house is a mess, and you feel empty and depressed. You are ashamed of your feelings. You accuse yourself of being ungrateful. Everything was as perfect as you could possible make it, but here you are with a big aching hole inside. Just like last year, and the year before that. What did you hope would happen that didn't?

The holidays are a very painful and miserable time for many, many people.  Studies show that most of us are reluctant to share our negative feelings, particularly at this time of the year  - afraid of being judged as not religious or spiritual enough, or being seen as a humbug. These studies also show that people feel more isolated in their sadness when they believe that they are the only one having this experience. The reason misery really does love company is because it lightens with sharing.

Many of us are simply "burned out" by all the decision-making and additional work, and our levels of serotonin are literally depleted. Others are homesick for the "good old days" when they were children and believed in miracles. Christmas was magic then, even when parents were poor. The child in us still expects the feeling of magic, even if we are not consciously aware of it. When nothing happens to let us relive those feeling of childhood, we feel betrayed and depressed, convinced that there is nothing really left to look forward to.

To those of you who suffer through the holidays every year, don't suffer needlessly. Make a plan to change the things you do and how you usually celebrate.  If thoughts of past and better holidays make you unhappy, avoid thinking about them by keeping your mind busy with other activities.

If you can afford a trip, go to a place where the holidays are less obvious. If you are staying home,  you can plan your day around some great movies you can rent, or go to the library and get a couple of books you will love to read. Don 't forget your favorite foods and snacks! If you  have a hobby, start a new project and go shopping for what you'll need.  (Everyone enjoys a good picture puzzle.)  If you live alone and being around people is what you need, volunteer at a soup kitchen or at a hospital.  Perhaps you could read to someone who never gets visitors.

As adults, only we can help ourselves, because only we know how and why it hurts.  Do make a plan that changes your experience - don't dwell on the past. Prepare well ahead of time.  And share your feelings with others -  it may well lighten things for all of you.

Think of everything you enjoy throughout the year, and fill your holidays with it.  If the old traditions don't bring you joy, it's about time for some new ones.

Live A Life That Fits Your Nature

An old friend of my parents’ is a physician by profession. He is a first-generation American and was the first one in his family to go to college - a super, super smart guy. What else could his family wish for him but to become a medical doctor in America? He had listened to their dreams all his life, and was convinced that it was his dream as well. Everybody’s dream came true. He shared a very successful practice with a partner, was kind to his patients and even made house calls.

It would have come as a great shock to everyone except his few close friends, had they discovered, how deeply unhappy Dr. D. (let's call him that) was as he went through his daily work routine. He was really only happy in his little greenhouse in the backyard, were he raised orchids, and very few knew that his real dream was to own a fruit orchard some day.

Dr. D. was by nature very shy, and I suspect that he suffered from a mild form of social anxiety. Seeing as many as 30+ patients a day was a genuine struggle for him that never eased. Not to disappoint his parents and appear ungrateful for the sacrifices they had made for him, he resolved to stick with it until their passing. His parents are still well and in their 90's, and Dr. D., although retired to some extent, still goes to the office -  living out a self-inflicted sentence instead of a happy life.

The dentist in my home town (I grew up at the shore) had the right idea – he sold his practice and bought a marina instead, which was more suited to his temperament and natural inclination. You may also remember an article I wrote a few months ago, in which I mentioned my husband’s personal struggle with a career change from a teaching professor of philosophy to a career in the medical industry. Again, the previous job had become an uncomfortable fit.

There are actually many people pursuing careers and goals that they are ill suited for, and they too will remain stressed and unhappy until they make a change. But many feel trapped by the need to keep up a certain lifestyle, family expectations, and accumulated financial responsibilities.

The only way out of this unhappy state is to make a change in line with your true nature, or what the Buddhists call one's "suchness.” Your "suchness" or true temperament will never allow you to feel comfortable, happy, or content, when you are engaged in activities that are alien to who you really are. Maybe you don’t  really like carrying a cell phone that keeps you 'on call' 24/7, deadlines make you feel stressed, wearing a suit and tie everyday, following orders that are clearly misguided, and having to say, "Yes Mr. Johnson" when you really want to scream, "Are you nuts??!!!".  And that’s okay.

The point is, when you live and strive for a goal, an inner ease and balance must be your partner. Hard work and challenges don't rock that boat when you know who you are, and that what you want will be a good “fit” for you.

Are You Working On Your Self Image?

Thanks to reality television, we are well-informed on how to pursue an external image that the world will admire. We must own a house that requires a sizable staff for upkeep, numerous garages for our car collection, and several rooms to fit our designer wardrobe, shoes and etceteras. Of course we must also be stunningly beautiful, so we have facials, plastic surgeries, personal trainers, hairdressers and make-up artists. (Ideally, he latter come to our homes so that we don't have to mingle with the nobodies.)

Let me make it quite clear that I am not anti- anything that makes for a happier life. The problem with external improvements as a means for happiness is that after the initial thrill of a new acquisition, the human brain adapts to its presence fairly quickly, and it becomes just apart of the norm. (To paraphrase a wise individual, “personal ownership of the Mona Lisa would eventually make her just part of the wall.”) The brain cannot maintain a constant state of “awe.” 

So, the individual whose self-image is attached to impressing others is committing themselves to “ever more and bigger.” Unless there is some revelation that happiness may lie elsewhere, the race will continue unless the money runs out. Keeping up with the Joneses plays out differently in Beverly Hills than in rural Iowa, or when you’re working your way up the ladder at Goldman Sachs versus a small law office in central Pennsylvania. The scale and resources are different, but the driver is the same.

Without the necessary resources to follow the rich and famous, we have devised another scheme to deny the "nobody little self" that we have decided we are. If we can't be important, at least we will be popular and liked. Depending on the audience, we like what they like, and dislike what they dislike. 

After testing the water, we are politically liberal or conservative. When asked our opinion, we ignore our inner voice and the answer becomes the suspected “right” one. No matter how many times we do the dance to try to please others, it never really stops feeling icky.

Lying without cause – pretending you think or feel something you don’t for someone else’s benefit - demeans us, and it has a devastating effect on our sense of self worth. When you first confront yourself about this, you may feel shame and be uncomfortable, but it is literally another necessary peel off the onion toward genuine self acceptance!

(Not telling the truth to protect someone, or telling a 'white' lie that comes from kindness to prevent a hurt, are not generally the kind of lies that do us harm.)

The lie that demeans us, the one that is meant to hide our truth, is literally an attack

on the self, again and again. Who needs enemies when we do such a fine job?

And after all, what could possibly be wrong with us? Why do we feel we have to hide what we have come to believe, and what we really enjoy doing? So many of the choices we make in life come down to apples and oranges. A good decision can only come from the real self – the kind that makes you truly happy and keeps you going in the right direction for you.

Self-respect is never measured with someone else's yardstick. 

Why Respect Still Matters

I was recently at a three-day convention were research psychologists presented their latest studies and findings. One topic caught my particular attention, and I guess it has always been close to my heart. This research looked at how people are affected by being ignored, left out, or disrespected. These experiences impact us at the level of our self esteem, in addition to creating anxiety and depression, from light to severe.  Even small slights can do a great deal of damage.

We would all benefit from becoming better aware of the occasions that make people feel left out and ignored.  

For instance, it is easy to feel uncomfortable and excluded when one is invited to a special event and the host or hostess makes no effort to include everyone in the party. That is – or at least should be - their most important job.

Large weddings can become very awkward, and anything but a celebration, for guests who are not part of the family or the close circle of friends. Often the tables are too large and the band plays to loud to make audible conversation. Rarely does anyone introduce stranger to stranger sufficiently to give them some common ground to ease into a chat.

It is disrespectful to the “outer tier” guests to invite them (at a very high price these days) to simply come and watch the show. Forget the food. It is the perfect setting for feeling excluded, uncomfortable and unimportant. Wedding planers and parents of the bride and groom, pay attention. Make it someone's job to include everyone receiving an invitation to feel a part of it all.

Another disrespectful behavior (one I am sure we have all fallen victim to) is when the person talking to you at some event seems to be looking in every direction but yours.  This gives off the very clear impression that he is looking for someone more important than you.

Well, the list could go on and on, and I am sure that some of you could write a book.

The important point I want to make is that respect still counts as much as ever, even though it's not that frequently on display. But, as ample research shows, people are just as sensitive to being excluded or slighted as ever, and if you behave disrespectfully to others you will not be liked. Your relationships will suffer, and it will be more difficult to get ahead in the world and get people on your side. Everyone responds to courtesy.

I think a big mistake is often made by working parents and the well-to-do. They, understandably, aim to give their children everything they desire, and don't want to spoil the precious little time they have together with discipline and lectures. The result of this kind of parenting, however, can be an overly-privileged and entitled sense of self-importance, and a lack of respect for others. Teachers and other adults may instinctively dislike these children, and odds are good that their peers will feel the same way.

This is not what I want for my children. I love them, but I also want other people to like them, too. These are some of our family rules:

     Say hello to everyone you encounter

     Always use “please,” “thank you,” and “may I?” (very, very important)

     When speaking to adults or friends, look at them while they are talking to you and don't interrupt.

     When calling a friend, first identify yourself to the parent, then ask to speak to the friend.

     Be nice to everyone in your class or group, even if others are not.

     Never eat candy or cookies in front of anyone, unless you have enough to share.

     Don't say mean things to anyone, or about anyone.

     Don't interrupt adult conversation, unless it is very important.

    

And of course, for all of us in general, the "Golden Rule" still is the best recipe for a wonderful life!

Eventually, I Would Like To...

An old friend from college finally came to visit me, and after some 15+ years of not seeing each other, there were lots of hugs, compliments and laughter. Shannon (not her real name) had brought her four year-old little boy, who made the perfect playmate for my two children, freeing us for some good catching up.

Shannon and her husband Erik (not his real name) live and work in northern New Jersey, where they bought an old Tudor-style mansion some three years ago. Owning a big old house had been Shannon's dream since she was very young. The only fly in the ointment: it was very much a fixer-upper.  When they first saw the house, Erik had been less than enthused. Shannon was relentless in convincing him that this was a great opportunity for their little family (Shannon is in real estate), not to mention the investment potential when it was fixed up. Erik is an accountant, so that argument appealed to him and the deal was done.

I wanted to hear all about this because we live in an old Victorian home, which is in a perpetual state of “being fixed up.” As she talked about her house, Shannon became visibly tense. "You know,” she said, "this whole thing was pretty much all my idea. When I saw the house and I knew we could afford it, I was simply on fire. All the work ahead was going to be an adventure. I could clearly see the lawn parties I would give, and my children would grow up in a house like those in the old English romances."

She paused for a while, looking at her hands. "Heidi (my real name), it's become a nightmare." She looked very unhappy. "Erik is an accountant for God's sake. He just doesn't have the skills to move us along, and he is less and less willing to do anything at all. We have terrible fights on the weekends when he wants to catch a ballgame. I don't play enough with Billy, because I'm always painting or scraping something. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, because all I can see is work. I have never been so depressed."  Looking around my newly-decorated living room (rarely used for living in) she asked, "How did you do all this without losing your mind? Or did you have the money to have it done?"

"No, no," I said. "We did it ourselves. But come with me,” and I broke my forever-rule of no one but family allowed upstairs and showed Shannon all of the second and third floors. Only my children's bedroom and neighboring bathroom are finished and decorated. The other rooms - there are four more including the master bedroom - hold a jumble of furniture. Some of it from my old New York apartment, and also quite a few parental hand-me-downs. There isn't a hint of a decorating scheme to be discovered anywhere.

I could see that Shannon was shocked - her gaze had locked onto the peculiar shade of green with which the previous owners had painted all the walls in the hall. Some was peeling off on the broom closet door. "Eventually, I would like to paint those a creamy eggshell color,” I said, leading the way back down.

Not only did I want Shannon to see that a large part of my house was also still “not done,” and that I hadn't become undone with it, but I also wanted her to hear the philosophy expressed in my last statement. It’s the reason why I am happy now.

I will eventually have a beautifully decorated bedroom. But making the time for that now would rob me of all the fun I have with my family. My husband likes to plan adventures for us on weekends and I would rather be able to be a part of that than live in a show-worthy home. But I will get to it, eventually.

When working on a personal goal causes you frustration or becomes an obsession that pushed everything else aside, not only will you suffer, but everyone around you will, too. You will start hating the tasks it takes to get done, and chances are the results will reflect your state of mind as well. When you feel well, you do well.

Above all others by far, my first goal in life is happiness and contentment - the kind that comes from inside, and being with the people I love. I selfishly want to feel good while doing work of any kind. If time or financial pressures interfere with doing something, it goes on the "Eventually, I would like to..." list. (Emergencies, such as a leaking ceiling, toilets that don't flush, or a swarm of wasps in the attic, go on the FIX IT NOW! list.)

Eventually, I would like to... is a wonderful tool for those of you who are too keenly aware of “things that need doing” - like peeling paint, fading shutters, or a couple of cracked tiles -  and are made very unhappy by it day after day. Time or money may not allow for a quick fix. Eventually, I would like to paint the shutters takes the pressure off for now. You are not saying "To hell with it!" and putting yourself in danger of becoming  one of those people. You know it will get done.

Oh, and if it's about what the neighbors will think, come on - you know better than that by now!