Although you may not live it consciously, you are the “captain of
the ship” you call your life. Not the sea
- just the vessel. We do not control which challenges will try us, but we do
control how we tackle them. To do this effectively requires having the right
tools at the right time.
Insight to your "suchness," and acceptance of who you are
right now will give you those tools and smooth the way forward. Otherwise, you
live your life like a ping pong ball being bounced around by circumstances - fearful and apparently helpless. Life
lives you instead of the other way
around.
The enemy of introspection is the belief in perfection (with
everyone having their own idea of what that may be.) Looking inside with a more
accepting and realistic eye, we find what is not yet "perfect,” but
instead of treating it as something embarrassing, we welcome it as a way to
make our lives happier and better.
Being perfect, or even becoming perfect, is a silly game our egos
play with us. It is impossible to win, so let's refuse to play! What's wrong
with walking the path of learning anyway? Living in denial of our perceived
weakness and stumbling blocks causes an emotional disconnect with others, a
deep loneliness, and an ever-present fear of being found out.
Small things we discover can have such great results, when we stop
playing the perfection game. For example,
when
my mom retired and moved far away from her lifelong social circle to leave near
me and her grandchildren, she bought a neglected 100+ year old house and a
large wilderness of a backyard. Her plan was to make everything
"perfect," a jewel to be admired. All of her energy (she has a considerable
amount) and time were spent on a never-ending job. That, plus a few hours
dedicated to quilting to break things up, pretty much summed up most of her
life.
Mom was becoming a homebody, and made no attempts to meet new people
and make friends. Having no need to feel pretty, she wore her paint-splattered
clothes almost daily. And her
hair, once the object of fussy attention, now did what ever it wanted to. Spur
of the moment invitations for a family outing or an unplanned party when
friends dropped by were always answered with, "No thanks, I'd have to do
my hair - I'm just not up to all
that fuss.”
My mom was becoming a “schlep” (her word, not mine). In addition,
she was becoming lonely, although she fervently denied that for the first
couple of years. She blamed her lack of enthusiasm for anything new on just
being tired from all the work. She insisted she was happy in her new life, just
as it was. Of course, I knew better and (as any good daughter would) shared my
thoughts with her, frequently.
A few weeks ago, while we were having coffee and talking about all
the things that usually happen to New Year’s resolutions, she shared hers with
me and I could not have been happier. “You know,” she said, “I have been
thinking about why I feel so glum all the time. I have become lazy about my
appearance. I have a need to feel pretty when I go out. Call it shallow, but
that's who I am. I am lonely and it's my fault. I am well on my way to being an
old coot if nothing changes. As you may have noticed I set my hair this
morning, I am wearing lipstick and there is no paint on my pants! As of today,
and for the new year, I will set my hair first thing every morning, I will come
when you invite me and I also want to go to the weekly lectures at the library.
It's a new start."
Such a small thing, and such a big turnaround. (If you, too, are
someone who declines invitations because you are in a rut - like not having
something ready to wear when the phone rings - have an outfit ready to wear
only for such an occasion. Eventually, people will stop asking assuming it will
be a “no.” Be ready when opportunity knocks. As a rule, we are social animals,
and we need those connections to live a balanced life.)
The thing is, only you know - with introspection and without laying
blame on others - what it is that keeps you from living life the way you want
to. And just maybe that life is different
than the one you sort of drifted into.
So, for 2012, let's get to know ourselves a little better still,
with the intent of becoming freer and happier. Forget about being perfect, see
yourself with honesty and kindness, identify the obstacle and make a plan.
Happy New Year!
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