Frances has been
divorced for several years. Ex-husband Ralph had been somewhat of a bully and Frances still felt
intimidated and nervous when communicating with him regarding an investment
they still owned in common. As had been his habit in the past, Ralph continued
to manage it quite independently of her opinion and wishes.
Eventually, Frances made plans to change her life completely, shedding the painful past and
living a meaningful life according to her own heart and standards. She planned
to buy a house in the little town that once was home and find a way to make a
difference there. She needed the money from the investment with Ralph.
The thought of
having to tell him that she wanted her share literally stopped her in her
tracks. She mentally reviewed all the scenarios on how this may play out, and
in her mind one was worse than the other. She became more and more upset, and
the idea began to fill her with dread. All joy went out of her vision for the
future. Instead of making that phone call and, in a business-like manner, claim
what was hers, she reverted to identifying with the wife of the past to whom
all things were granted according to Ralph's whim.
Reliving all the
hurts and insults of her marriage did much to undo the healing she had achieved
since the divorce, and her mind got stuck in the past. Not in the habit of
aski, she realized that talking to Ralph could not possibly feel worse than
what she had been doing to herself. Almost emotionless, she made her request
and "if that's how you want it, fine” was his only reply.
Think of all the
prolonged anxiety and stress we undergo, when we let our imaginations decide
how someone else may respond to a
request or an unpleasant event that must be shared. Say what you have to say as
soon as you can, before you start second- guessing the answer. Prolonging the
inevitable can make you very unhappy, and it can hurt others as well.
Henry was
grandfather, and best friend, to his only son's growing boys. Retired and loving
all things outdoors, he took the boys camping and fishing and taught them about
the local wildlife and the names of all the things that grew around them. He
would sometimes quiz them about what they had seen that day, and the winner
would get a dollar. Henry also taught them how to make a great kite, and in the
fall flying kites and picnics became regular family affairs.
Henry was a
long-time widower, had worked hard his whole life and had owned his own little
auto repair shop. His greatest sense of achievement came from being able to
send his son to college - the first one in the family to go. Jim in turn repaid
his father well when he made him the proudest man in town - the day he became
the principal in the local high school.
When Henry
retired and sold his little shop, he told everyone that he would invest that
money and send all four of his son’s boys to college as well. The idea of still
being able to care for his family at this time of his life filled him with
purpose and pride.
Our recent
debacle with the stock market all but broke Henry. Gone was the dream of sending
all four boys to college - he felt defeated and depressed. He declined all
invitations from his son, made vague excuses to the boys when they called and
kept the door locked when they rang the bell. Jim suspected the cause for his
behavior and thought his dad might just need some time. The boys, however, were
another story. The daily absence
of Grandpa confused and upset them very much.
Finally, an old
friend of Henry's (my neighbor, who told me this story) challenged his
behavior. "How can I face them, and tell them there isn't enough money
left for all of them? What will they think of me then?” he asked with tears in his eyes.
“By God, Henry,
you give your family little credit if you think they love you for the money.
What do those boys know and think about college anyway? And if I know anything
about Jim, and I do, he's preparing
for his sons’ education, just like his father did for him. If it's your pride,
Henry, you’re paying a mighty price for it!"
Henry returned
to the fold, as they say - but again, sooner would have been better.
So, don't
agonize over imagined outcomes when you have something to say or ask for. The
truth really does set you free.
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